All By Myself

So, I’m usually really smart. Not like Einstein smart, but like smart enough that I should be able to objectively look at facts and act reasonably on them.

i'm brilliant

Unfortunately, I’m also really dumb. At least when it comes to matters of the heart, dating, and men.

I have been involved in a very casual thing with this dude for a few months. I haven’t been trying to date him, but I guess I viewed him as a security blanket until I was in a real relationship. “Real relationship” being one I can tell my mom about, one where the dude comes over before midnight, wants to spend time doing THINGS in the world, and maybe shares some of my interests. That is not this dude.  Like, NOT AT ALL. But I knew going in that that was not this dude.

I am dumb because I actually believed that I could carry around this seurity blanket while simultaneously being open to something that would be good for me, something that I really want.

anigif_enhanced-28493-1396185551-5

It can’t happen.

I know it can’t happen because I’ve BEEN THROUGH THIS BEFORE. I’ve made this mistake before. As Einstein said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

So, not only am I dumb, but I’m also insane. As many times as I try, I cannot fit a square peg into a round hole.

It’s like there is a disconnect between the information that goes into my brain and the  way my brain decides to act.

I told myself awhile ago I needed to just cut this guy off. In the end I was too afraid to actually do that, though. Because I guess I’m like everybody else and I hate being alone – as non-feminist as that is – even if that means just having a warm body next to me for a few hours.

bang bang

Fear is a bitch, but I need to stop being a coward. Being alone – like truly alone, with no back-up plan or security blanket – is not the worst thing in the world. But a lifetime of meaningless flings might be.

This isn’t about gettin’ back out there and trying to date some more. This isn’t even about not liking this dude. He’s fine.

No, this is just about actually doing what I keep telling myself I want. This is about innoculating myself to toxic tendencies and learning to be a grown-up. And not having any more bad days.

MIB

Now, I don’t want to go on being whiny about not being able to find someone, or confused about why I am still alone. I don’t want to be Ted Mosby. I just need someone to hold me accountable.

Don’t let me be THAT girl who needs a man to feel less alone in this big, bad world. I hate that girl.

XO

All right. Let’s do this shit again.

Yesterday I took the bar exam and afterwards I made a list of all the fun things I can do again now that the #BarIsOver. SEE YA NEVER BAR EXAM, HELLO FUN.

seinfeld dance

Some of the fun things I’m looking forward to doing include:

– Catching up on my shows, like The Wire and House of Cards
– Finishing Allegiant, and all those other books that have been cluttering up my bookshelf for years
– Excercising my fat ass
– Learning French on Duolingo!

Basically, I’m ready to get back to doing all kinds of fun stuff that I didn’t have time for when the devil/bar exam was dancing on my back.

I’ve just realized, though, that I forgot another VERY IMPORTANT addition to that list that I’ve been thinking of getting back to for awhile: dating.

I took my little dating hiatus right after Christmas, and there were times that I thought I wanted to try some more, but I just didn’t have time! Well. Now I have time. So, line up fellas!

i'm all yours

But no, for real, I’m thinking I’m gonna start looking around on match.com again, but I think I’ll also diversify my “search.” I downloaded Tinder just a little bit ago, and I think I’ll get back on OKCupid, too.

I’m ready to GO, but I’m also a little apprehensive, I guess.

I’ve done OKC before and met some decent guys, but I also came across some REALLLLLLLLY scary people.

FOR EXAMPLE, there was this guy who used the screenname “BLACKMILK” and in thinly veiled innuendo, he let me know that he wanted to have weird, gross sex with me. He also talked in all caps. He was frightening not only because of his especially weird requests, but because I didn’t know why he was yelling at me.

Liiiiiike…..y u gotta yell?

Then there was the guy I came across in my random matches who was wearing women’s underwear and was tied up, bondage style, with a ball-gag in his mouth, in his main picture. That was….interesting.

this is my hell

I dunno, maybe I shouldn’t be so worried. I have gotten some really good stories out of online dating, and it’s been a fun ride. But I’m actually interested in meeting normal people that I could date for some time. Don’t those exist?

I’m a little excited about checking out Tinder. I know it’s probably shadier than OKC, but I’ve also got a few friends who have had some luck. I think the dudes might be less fugly, too. Seems like it could be fun and a good time waster, in the very least.

But before I dive back in, I think maybe my expectations for online dating need to change. In my mind, I want it to be like online shopping: you go onto whatever website with a vague idea of what you’re looking for, or at least knowing your preferences; you browse for awhile; you find a few things you like; you proceed to check out; you get the things you found in delivered to you, and you end up returning most of them because they don’t fit, but some of them are great.

IT SHOULD BE THAT EASY.

sorcery

But I know it’s not. Unfortunately, I’m an idealist and it’s hard for me to grasp onto reality a lot of the time. But I am REALLY going to try to lower my expectations this time around, so maybe I’ll be able to keep it light and fun/keep myself from not getting so frustrated.

IDK.

This DOUCHE I know (you know who you are, I’m sure you’re reading. Don’t get too flattered that I’m talking about you) keeps giving me shit for “trying too hard” at dating. He also thinks I’m certifiably crazy IN GENERAL. But he says shit to me all the time that it doesn’t sound like I’m having fun with this online dating.

excuse me rudeness

But I think I should clear the air about this: I AM HAVING FUN.

For real, Mr. Douche Face, GFY. And KMA. You’d like it, I’m sure. But seriously, can’t I live?

I don’t think I would keep subjecting myself to this buuuuuulllshit if I didn’t like it. I have fun going on dates. I really do like all the primping and preparation that goes into a date., and the conversation and getting-to-know-someone on a date is really enjoyable AND TO BE CLEAR, I wouldn’t agree to go on a date at all if I didn’t like the dude at least a little.

No, dating is fun. And I have fun on the dates I go on.

Maybe I overanalyze the dates on this blog. But it’s a blog. Isn’t that what blogs are for?

And, um, hellllllo! Have you met me? First, I’m a woman, and I think we, as a sex, are prone to overanalyze (YES that is a very unfeminist generalization I just made. Deal with it). Second, I personaly overanalyze EV.ER.Y.THING. Seriously, everything. It’s in my nature. I’m just anal and obsessive and TWITCHY. And I think TOO MUCH.

That may make me crazy. But hey, that’s me. And I’m aware of it. There’s somebody out there who will be able to appreciate the hot mess that I am. Mr. Douche Fuck, I don’t need your blessing to get through this life and find happiness the way I want.

Anyway, I am excited to try out Tinder, and to dip my toes back into the online dating waters. Maybe I’ll meet some interesting people. Worst case, I AM SURE I will end up with more interesting stories. And in the end, isn’t that all that really matters?

star trek no idea

Reflection

Well. I had an interesting weekend.

Except for by “interesting,” I mean that it was a shitshow. A fun shitshow, but a shitshow nonetheless.

Thursday was my birthday, and that’s where the real trouble started. You would think that by age 26, I would have learned how to not like an idiot when I get drunk.

i did the best i could

Apparently not. I had a whole bunch of wine Thursday at dinner and did some silly things, then I continued drinking essentially the whole weekend and continued to do silly things. There is actually not a single moment from this weekend that doesn’t make me SMH.

I run into this problem a lot. I’ll get to this mental place where I want to be serious about dating and not acting like a slore, then I have a weekend where I seem to backslide into my slutty college ways.

I can't do both

I’m all like XTina, asking “When will my reflection show who I am INSIDE??”
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8GUCQQZS64 )

ANYWAY, upon reflection, and after much soul-searching, I’m going to try to learn from the silly things that happened this weekend. I’m remembering that I’m not looking to mess around with any random dude that crosses my path, no matter how cute he seems through my beer goggles. I’m trying to find a quality dude.

Here are some very important lessons I’ve learned from this weekend:

1) Dressing like a sloot will probably make you want to act like a sloot.
I mean that in the most feminist way possible. I am NOT saying that if you dress in a skin tight pleather dress, you’re asking for it. All I’m saying is that, for me, putting on some slutty outfit is like Clark Kent putting on his superman costume, except SLUTTIER. Anytime I make the choice to wear something short and tight out, I usually also resolve to: drink a lot, dance even more, and flirt with one million strangers. And if you know me, when I resolve to do something, I DO THAT SHIT. There is a time and a place for gettin’ a lil buckwild. I think I just need to choose those times carefully and slore around in moderation.

demi dancing

2) The waiter is not your soulmate, and sticking your tongue down his throat is probably a mistake. (BTW, sorry Mom)
Yeah. That shit happened. I’m going to blame the fact that it was my birthday, or the fact that he gave me free cheesecake when he wasn’t supposed to. When I was in college, I used to make out with random dudes all the time. Like, there was actually a time where I was waiting to cross the street and just started making out with a dude who was walking by. One of my friends at college told me I probably needed to chill the fuck out with all that noise, because I was going to end up with mouth herpes. APPARENTLY I NEVER LEARNED. Not only should I have not made out with some random dude WHO LIVES AN HOUR AWAY anyway, but I especially shouldn’t have done it for like 2 hours and then told him that “Sure, I’d love to go on a date sometime.”

nuh uh beyonce

UGH. Do better drunkrachel.

3) No matter how nice the guys seem, you probably should not go out to their van in a dark alley to take a shot of bourbon.
Yeah, so. That shit happened, too. 2 girls, 7 dudes in a band, one dark parking lot. Somehow, my friend and I thought it was totally a good idea. In retrospect, we are fucking idiots. I mean, we were joking with these dudes like “You’re not going to murder us and mutilate our bodies, are you?” and it was funny then. BUT THAT SHIT ACTUALLY COULD HAVE HAPPENED. I could be laying in some ditch with my limbs scattered around me right now. I think maybe that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. (The bourbon was delicious, though.)

what's wrong with you

4) You don’t need to drink every free drink someone buys for you, especially if that drink was on fire 5 seconds before you drank it.
If it can be lit on fire, then you’re probably going to be wasted just from smelling the fumes. You will also probably end up doing stupid shit because of it (E.G., NUMBERS 1 through 3). You will likely end the night passed out on someone’s floor. Also: ROOFIES.

amy poehler

5) Stay the fuck off facebook if you are shitfaced.
Nothing good will come of it. While you’re at it, stay the fuck off twitter too, you silly drunk bitches. You will end up telling someone who you see on a regular basis that you would like to “get rough” with him. Even if it’s true, you probably shouldn’t say it.

SO those are the bad things I am going to focus on learning from. It wasn’t all bad though. Here are some good things I learned this weekend:

6) Sometimes a girl just needs to dance.
BONUS: dancing will burn off a lot of the calories from all those beers you’re probably drinking.

snoop last supper

7) Good girlfriends are hard to find, but oh so valuable.

8) You’ll have more fun if you’re singing at the top of your lungs.
Especially if you’re singing to 90s hits.

9) Never underestimate the power of a sexy outfit.
This is the flipside to #1. If you look good, you’re gonna feel good. And damn it feels good to have men you’ve never met calling you beautiful.

bow down

Also, it keeps the bar tab low. #freedrinks #shots #butijustsaidishouldn’ttakeallthosefreedrinks

10) Even if you end up doing crazy shit, mistakes make for the best stories.
You just have to not make those mistakes all the time.

real responsibility

All in all, it was an epic weekend. I had too much fun and my liver is still recovering. I acted like a drunk idiot, though, and I hope drunkrachel didn’t mess anything up for real in sober rachel’s world.

I think it was good to get some shitshow out of my system, though. It had been awhile, and it’s good to actually have some balance to my otherwise lame and monotonous life. Now I can focus on being a non-slore and actually enjoying the company of quality gentlemen.

I’ve got two dates set up this week (including date #3 with Eat Pray Love!), so hopefully those go well. And maybe I’ll dress juuuuust a little slutty.

Because, like I said, you should never underestimate the power of a sexy outfit 😉

adele

Hit the Road, Jack

Brace yourselves for @myemomoment. I just got back from a trip to Chicago, so I had a lot of time for self reflection. Apparently, all ma’ feels translate into approximately one billion gifs. SORRY NOT SORRY.

chicago

So, Chicago. She’s pretty, ain’t she?

It was great to be back in Chicago, to see my friends, and to EAT all the food I’ve missed (even though I couldn’t get to Windy City Gyros. Sad). It was also SO NICE to just take a break from dating. But now I’m feeling pretty conflicted about the whole trip because it made me feel really nostalgic, and THAT has me feeling equally conflicted about this whole online dating thing.

I don’t really know how to articulate it. I love living in Louisville. I love my job. I like my coworkers a whole lot. I can picture building a life here. BUT at the same time, starting my life over in a new city is really lonely, and sometimes it’s hard to keep that perspective on the bigger picture.

I mean, I don’t really know anyone outside of work. I don’t have girlfriends here that can grab a drink with me after work and wing woman for me while I flirt with men at bars. All I have is work and match.com. Even though I was still single and pretty lonely in Chicago, at least I had my friends.

pathetic

I’m worried that being lonely will cloud my judgment, and that I’ll end up settling for some loser. It really doesn’t really help that the dudes from match.com have been underwhelming.

this is crap

I don’t want to settle – my philosophy is that I shouldn’t eat fish sticks if what I’m really craving is sushi.

Last week I was feeling overwhelmed with the dating process and wished that the herd of men I was talking with would thin themselves out. I guess I should be careful what I wish for! Perhaps my lack of interest and sparse text responses helped the process along, but I’m only really talking to like 3 guys now. I haven’t heard from most of the J’s or Chris’s in awhile, and I’m quite fine with that.

One of the guys I haven’t heard from in several days is the Fist Bumper. TRAGEDY. I think maybe he got the hint that I wasn’t interested in a lifetime of the fist bump-kiss combo. I sure will miss that fist bumping action! (jk lol. It wasn’t even that great of a fist bump.)

I HAVE heard from Jersey though. He texted me all weekend while I was gone. I didn’t really respond, because I was busy becoming a lawyer or something, but he KEPT texting. I feel a little bad, really. Jersey is a nice enough guy. I mean, REALLY, all of these guys are nice enough. But Jersey’s constant texts really opened my eyes to how ANNOYING it can be when someone you’re not interested in and/or trying to ignore KEEPS texting you. (In fact, I think I will adjust my texting habits accordingly. That shit is the WORST.)

Anyway, I had been considering seeing Jersey again, but I reached my annoyance capacity today as I was driving through Indiana. The combination of being in the worst state ever and Jersey’s barrage of pointless chit chat was just too much. I wish Jersey could have just taken a page from Fist Bumper and realized I wasn’t into it, but he didn’t, so I texted him that I wasn’t really interested in seeing him again. He sent me some stupid message about “hanging out as friends.”

judgey little gurl

Hmm. Let me think about that…..No. No thank you. Sounds like the opposite of what I just said I wanted to do – i.e., not see you. It also sounds awkward. And like a waste time. Sorry. Good luck in life and with texting.

I’m just feeling so BLAH about this whole thing right now. Like, I feel like none of the dudes on match.com have the potential to be the one.

It shouldn’t be this hard! I’m young and fun and not a hideous mutant. I should be able to find better guys!

kanye genius

I mean, for real. It’s only been a few weeks and I’m feeling seriously disillusioned.

Dating sucks.

Maybe I’ll be singing a different tune by the end of the week. I have tentative plans to see Iowa, the adorable, younger-than-me dude, sometime this week. I’ve also talked about grabbing beer  with a new guy who we’ll call Eat Pray Love because he traveled around India for several months. They don’t seem horrible.

For now, I’ll remain open minded to meeting these internet gentlemen, but my optimism is quickly dwindling.

Anyway, I hope things get better soon, because if not I might just go adopt 90273019 cats and be alone forever. Nobody wants that.

alone at 50

So, please loser men, get out of the way. Winner men, please come find me.