You Only Get What You Give

I’ve been thinking a lot about dating karma this week.

When I look back on my dating history, there’s like one nice guy, a string of douche bags, followed by like maybe one more nice guy, then even douchier douche bags. I mean, there was probably only one dude who was really HORRIBLE, but the rest clearly weren’t winners, seeing as I’m still single.

Is this a result of my dating karma? Am I putting bad shit out there in the universe?

jon hamm crying

I went on like a billion dates this week (okay, it was only three. but three in 3 days is a lot!), and only one of them was any fun.

I’m so tiiiiiiiiiired of going out on mediocre dates. Like, I used to get excited about EVERY date. I love getting to know people and trying new things. But after awhile it gets hard to be interested in people who really aren’t that interesting.

I’m about ready to get in touch with my friend’s Indian grandmother so she can arrange a marriage for me.

When I can’t expect to have a good time on a date, it’s pretty hard to mentally get it up for any of these dudes. Then it’s a vicious cycle, because I’m probably broadcasting pretty clearly that “I’M NOT FUCKING INTERESTED”. Like I’m sure it flashes across my forehead in neon lights or something. I’m guessing.

It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don’t think I’ll be interested, then I become uninterested.


At the same time, I’m also fucking tired of dudes who seemingly have no testicles. I had a third date tonight with Eat Pray Love. I was really into him after our last date, and I was supposed to make him dinner tonight. I had to change plans last minute, but I still let him know that I really wanted to meet up with him, and so we ended up just grabbing a drink. I thought I was broadcasting pretty clearly that “I’M STILL FUCKING INTERESTED.”

Maybe I was a boring slore during dinner (I was exhausted), but it wasn’t nearly the worst date I’ve ever been on. So, obvi, I was expecting maybe a different goodbye than the last two dates. AKA I thought he would maybe actually try to kiss me. You know, like a normal thing that should happen by the third date (or for real, the second. let’s be real).

No dice.

How do you get to be a thirty year old man and can’t figure out how to make a move by three dates? What world am I living in? Makes no sense.

your world

Not everything is horrible, I guess. There’s still one promising gentleman. I’m excited about that possibility, but I’m trying to figure out a way to feel it out without getting too excited. Because when that happens, I usually end up disappointed. Hopefully I send out appropriate signals into the universe. Because he actually seems like he could be a lot of fun.

Or maybe I’m just doomed to keep building up shitty dating karma.

IDK. Questions without answers.



Well. I had an interesting weekend.

Except for by “interesting,” I mean that it was a shitshow. A fun shitshow, but a shitshow nonetheless.

Thursday was my birthday, and that’s where the real trouble started. You would think that by age 26, I would have learned how to not like an idiot when I get drunk.

i did the best i could

Apparently not. I had a whole bunch of wine Thursday at dinner and did some silly things, then I continued drinking essentially the whole weekend and continued to do silly things. There is actually not a single moment from this weekend that doesn’t make me SMH.

I run into this problem a lot. I’ll get to this mental place where I want to be serious about dating and not acting like a slore, then I have a weekend where I seem to backslide into my slutty college ways.

I can't do both

I’m all like XTina, asking “When will my reflection show who I am INSIDE??”
( )

ANYWAY, upon reflection, and after much soul-searching, I’m going to try to learn from the silly things that happened this weekend. I’m remembering that I’m not looking to mess around with any random dude that crosses my path, no matter how cute he seems through my beer goggles. I’m trying to find a quality dude.

Here are some very important lessons I’ve learned from this weekend:

1) Dressing like a sloot will probably make you want to act like a sloot.
I mean that in the most feminist way possible. I am NOT saying that if you dress in a skin tight pleather dress, you’re asking for it. All I’m saying is that, for me, putting on some slutty outfit is like Clark Kent putting on his superman costume, except SLUTTIER. Anytime I make the choice to wear something short and tight out, I usually also resolve to: drink a lot, dance even more, and flirt with one million strangers. And if you know me, when I resolve to do something, I DO THAT SHIT. There is a time and a place for gettin’ a lil buckwild. I think I just need to choose those times carefully and slore around in moderation.

demi dancing

2) The waiter is not your soulmate, and sticking your tongue down his throat is probably a mistake. (BTW, sorry Mom)
Yeah. That shit happened. I’m going to blame the fact that it was my birthday, or the fact that he gave me free cheesecake when he wasn’t supposed to. When I was in college, I used to make out with random dudes all the time. Like, there was actually a time where I was waiting to cross the street and just started making out with a dude who was walking by. One of my friends at college told me I probably needed to chill the fuck out with all that noise, because I was going to end up with mouth herpes. APPARENTLY I NEVER LEARNED. Not only should I have not made out with some random dude WHO LIVES AN HOUR AWAY anyway, but I especially shouldn’t have done it for like 2 hours and then told him that “Sure, I’d love to go on a date sometime.”

nuh uh beyonce

UGH. Do better drunkrachel.

3) No matter how nice the guys seem, you probably should not go out to their van in a dark alley to take a shot of bourbon.
Yeah, so. That shit happened, too. 2 girls, 7 dudes in a band, one dark parking lot. Somehow, my friend and I thought it was totally a good idea. In retrospect, we are fucking idiots. I mean, we were joking with these dudes like “You’re not going to murder us and mutilate our bodies, are you?” and it was funny then. BUT THAT SHIT ACTUALLY COULD HAVE HAPPENED. I could be laying in some ditch with my limbs scattered around me right now. I think maybe that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. (The bourbon was delicious, though.)

what's wrong with you

4) You don’t need to drink every free drink someone buys for you, especially if that drink was on fire 5 seconds before you drank it.
If it can be lit on fire, then you’re probably going to be wasted just from smelling the fumes. You will also probably end up doing stupid shit because of it (E.G., NUMBERS 1 through 3). You will likely end the night passed out on someone’s floor. Also: ROOFIES.

amy poehler

5) Stay the fuck off facebook if you are shitfaced.
Nothing good will come of it. While you’re at it, stay the fuck off twitter too, you silly drunk bitches. You will end up telling someone who you see on a regular basis that you would like to “get rough” with him. Even if it’s true, you probably shouldn’t say it.

SO those are the bad things I am going to focus on learning from. It wasn’t all bad though. Here are some good things I learned this weekend:

6) Sometimes a girl just needs to dance.
BONUS: dancing will burn off a lot of the calories from all those beers you’re probably drinking.

snoop last supper

7) Good girlfriends are hard to find, but oh so valuable.

8) You’ll have more fun if you’re singing at the top of your lungs.
Especially if you’re singing to 90s hits.

9) Never underestimate the power of a sexy outfit.
This is the flipside to #1. If you look good, you’re gonna feel good. And damn it feels good to have men you’ve never met calling you beautiful.

bow down

Also, it keeps the bar tab low. #freedrinks #shots #butijustsaidishouldn’ttakeallthosefreedrinks

10) Even if you end up doing crazy shit, mistakes make for the best stories.
You just have to not make those mistakes all the time.

real responsibility

All in all, it was an epic weekend. I had too much fun and my liver is still recovering. I acted like a drunk idiot, though, and I hope drunkrachel didn’t mess anything up for real in sober rachel’s world.

I think it was good to get some shitshow out of my system, though. It had been awhile, and it’s good to actually have some balance to my otherwise lame and monotonous life. Now I can focus on being a non-slore and actually enjoying the company of quality gentlemen.

I’ve got two dates set up this week (including date #3 with Eat Pray Love!), so hopefully those go well. And maybe I’ll dress juuuuust a little slutty.

Because, like I said, you should never underestimate the power of a sexy outfit ūüėČ


I’ll Make a Man Out of You

Online dating is weird, isn’t it?


My experience has been, anyway.

I started really hot and fast on I was talking to like a billion guys and it seemed like I was going on dates all the time. It was exciting getting so much attention and having something to look forward to (and having something to write about, too)!

who's up next

I felt like a hot commodity, and thought these dudes actually realized that I was a real catch!

…..That was like two months ago, though, and my attitude about online dating has drastically changed.

I don’t care to give as much energy as I did before. I’m becoming less confident that I will really find my “match” online. And I’ve stopped being nice to online dudes just to be nice.

fuck all that

I feel like my experience with mirrors  my real world dating history Рbut in reality, making that comparison would be giving me a lot of credit.

On one hand, there are similarities – I start out hopeful that I’ll find a great guy, then I become jaded when I realize 1) most guys end up disappointing me in some way and 2) most guys can’t check off even half of my boxes. I think maybe these realizations come more quickly in online dating, but other than that the same old ¬†patterns are there.

mindy disappointed

But like I said, I can’t really compare with the real world too much because there’s one HUGE difference between online BoBachel and real life Rachel:

Real life Rachel is a huge coward.

Yeah, I’ll admit it.

I have no cajones when it comes to dealing with men in the real world.

i stole it from the internet

Today after work, I went out with a bunch of coworkers for our weekly happy hour and my love life came up.  Why? Well, it seems that my love life is a frequent topic of conversation among not only my coworkers, but also everyone we work with at the courthouse.

Apparently one of the bailiffs wants to date me. I’m not interested in him because he is, for lack of a better word, ugly. (Sorry, dude). Everyone knows that he’s got a thing for me. Unfortunately, he’s not the same bailiff that I want to maybe date. Apparently everyone knows about my crush on the other bailiff, too. It’s a really depressing would-be love triangle.

BUT my coworkers started giving me a bunch of (well-deserved) shit about the whole situation because I’m probably responsible for a lot of the mess. I’ve been a real idiot about the Cute Bailiff. Anytime I see him, I turn into a frickin middle school girl and either ignore him or say like two stupid words to him.


You’d think that I, a cute, smart, successful-for-my-age, 20something, would have big enough balls to at least SPEAK a sentence to this man.

spastic child

It shouldn’t be that hard. I should know better. And if I actually didn’t act like an idiot, the non-cute Bailiff probably would realize I wasn’t interested in him, and the hubbub at the courthouse would subside. AND I COULD LIVE IN PEACE.

That’s not even the only instance of cowardice in my non-interwebs romantic life. I’ve been really passive about the whole Lawyer Man situation, too.

I was supposed to see this dude over the holiday weekend. It didn’t happen. There were some contributing factors (e.g., we both came down with some plague-cold hybrid virus), but my gut tells me I should move on.

Like this panda:

rolling panda

I’ve read “He’s Just Not That Into You.” I buy into it, because for real: if a guy is into you and wants to date you, he’ll make it happen.

This guy hasn’t made it happen yet, nor does it seem that he has plans to.

I’m trying to summon up some of the courage and sass of my online alter-ego to improve the situation in my real world possible romances. I need to just chat the Cute Bailiff up and ask him to get drinks with me. I need to tell Lawyer Man that if he really wanted to date me, he’d get his ass to Kentucky.

My mental shift over the past few months has been to make just another dating option, to have it be as close to real life as possible. Sure, it’s really easy to come off as an appealing, dateable girl in a paragraph or two, but should it really be harder in real life?

In reality, it should probably be easier. I should be able to get the guys I already know, too.

So I think I’m ¬†going to make an adjustment, in part due to the barrage of shit I took today.¬†I’m going to be more BoBachel in my everyday life, because BoBachel at least goes on dates. Rachel doesn’t.

do over

From this point forward, I resolve to be as cute and sassy in real life as I try to be in the limited snapshot I’ve provided on the internet.

I can’t be afraid of rejection of ANYONE, let alone these dudes I’m currently dealing with. I need to start acting like the hot commodity I know I am.

demi dancing

Because in the end, they’re just boys. They’re nothing to be afraid of.

So, I guess if I want to find myself a boy I’ll have to man up.

Hold On, We’re Going Home

So, it’s been awhile. Did you miss me? I missed you. Really, promise.

What I HAVE NOT missed that much is In the last two weeks I’ve become rather apathetic about it. Online dating is starting to feel like this:

sidetracked baby

It’s actually really weird because I’m actually still in contact with a few interesting guys.¬†I even had some dates lined up this last weekend!

My first scheduled date was with this dude Eat, Pray, Love. We went to this AWESOME craft beer bar that I most definitely will be visiting many more times (especially when you all come to visit me?).

I wasn’t sure what to expect looks-wise because half of his pictures were of him visiting cool places and he looked like a dirty hippie because those places ¬†probably didn’t have running water. But he was super cute! He actually kind of reminds me of this guy (look familiar, Gossip Girl fans?):


Cute, right?

There was a little moment at the beginning of the date where I was an awkward idiot. Before I met him at the bar, he had apparently texted me to tell me he was waiting outside. I missed that text. Not realizing he was waiting for me outside, I walked up to the front door to go inside. He stopped me and asked if I was Rachel. I was taken aback, and the first thing that popped out of my awkward mouth was “Oh, you look …different than I expected.”

awkward britney face

…Ugh. It took me like five awkward follow up apologies to get my foot out of my mouth. What I was thinking was “you’re really cute!” but what I actually said made me sound like a real asshole.

But I guess he got over it because after that, the date was great! In fact, as far as first dates go, it was definitely up there as one of the best I think.¬†Eat, Pray, Love was ¬†nice and normal and interesting. He’s traveled all over the place and is training to be a pilot. He has a tattoo on his forearm, too. I don’t usually go for that kind of ink, but on him it was kind of sexy. I really liked him a lot.

My second scheduled date didn’t go. It’s with supposed to be with this SUPER CUTE med student. Like, just thinking about the fact that he’s going to be a hot doctor gets me worked up.¬†I WOULD say he’s out of my league but I am¬†pretty FABULOUS!


Anyway, Dr. McHottie was going to take me to dinner, but he got called into do important doctor-in-training things. He kept apologizing that he had to cancel, and he promised to make it up to me, so I took a rain check.


Swoon. Sounds like just what the doctor ordered.

So, you might be saying to yourself, “Rachel, it sounds like you’re living the dream! Many cute boys want to date you! What’s up with all the dating apathy?

What’s up is that I’m still really conflicted about this real life boy I’ve been crushin’ on forever, Lawyer Man. We’re supposed to see each other when I go home for Thanksgiving and I haven’t been able to think about much else for the past three weeks. I’m very excited to see him, but I’m also really unsure about the consequences of us seeing each other. Right now it’s like we’re doing this weird dance, or playing chicken.


I’m conflicted because he lives hundreds of miles away and he’s only moving farther away. And I can’t tell how serious he is about us trying to work something out. Maybe it’s one of those things that I’ll have to feel out when I actually get some face time with him? I don’t know.

What I do know is that I have a mental block right now. I can’t mentally or emotionally commit to the idea of giving any of these internet dudes a chance because of how I feel about Lawyer Man. It’s one of those things that I think would have me wondering “what if?” if I didn’t give it a shot.

my emotions

Anyway, I hope I gain some insight after this weekend and my trip home. Whatever the outcome, having some clarity on what to do with my dating life would be something I’d be very thankful for.

Kiss Me

I just went on a third date with the Man Child and I’m feeling …. apathetic? Yeah. I think maybe that’s the right word. (Side note: in discussing this date with a friend, I used the word “maybe” about 23425320 times to describe my feelings about the date. Obviously I’m pretty undecided about the whole thing).

ANYWAY. So the date.

I had just seen Man Child on Friday, so I was pretty excited when he suggested we play trivia together at a local bar just a couple days after our second date. I mean, third dates are fun, and I LOVE TRIVIA.  I was looking forward to something more laid back with him, too. And Man Child is cute and really nice!

lauren conrad aww

BUT THEN, all this mind fuckery happened over the weekend with real life boys. Going into the date today I wasn’t really very excited about it. I was more excited about the real life boys than I was about Man Child.

So I get to the bar for trivia. Man Child was as adorable as always in casual wear – jeans and a sweatshirt, I think that’s like a midwest uniform. I really do love a boy in jeans and a sweatshirt. And he was nice and funny, too, just like I remembered.

HOWEVA, overall, the date was “MEH” because I was distracted, both by things going on in the bar and things going on in my head.¬†(Side note: I think he may have also been distracted, but by my doing, because I wore a VERY low cut shirt and my boobs looked¬†preeeeeeetty¬†glorious. My bad.)

It was like last week when I went out with Funny Man: through the date I felt as though he was more my buddy than a romantic interest. I started to get that feeling at times during my date with Man Child. The date vacillated for me between buddy-hang-out-time and we-are-on-a-date-time.

As trivia came to a close, however, things just got weird. Man Child said he’d have to jet right away once trivia was done to pick up his drunk buddy. I was fine with that, because WHATEVS. However, I didn’t realize that that meant once we left the restaurant, we would split ways entirely after barely even speaking “goodbye.” Like, literally, he waved goodbye to me. Not even a hug. AND, still, no kiss. After 3 dates.

what are you waiting for

That’s weird, right? Like, I can understand maybe¬†not going in for a kiss under certain circumstances, but¬†is anyone too busy even for a hug? It’s like we’re back to the first date where he tried to shake my hand.

What’s more weird about the non-kiss at the end of the date is that I CAN’T EVEN DECIDE if I wanted to kiss him at the end of the night. I feel like after three dates, maybe I should have made up my mind about that. Right? Sure, maybe physical chemistry can build over time, but how long am I supposed to give it? And at what point does my indecision about whether I find this dude sexy/want to devour his face turn into leading the poor schmuck on? There’s got to be a time limit on that kind of thing.

IDK. My Bff Jill. I have no answers right now, only “MEH” feelings.¬†I have no idea what I will say if/when he asks me out for another date.

i wanna take a nap

BUT, I’ll tell you who I don’t have “MEH” feelings for.


Yes, folks, you read that correctly. Pushy Man is back.

I thought, happily, we’d forever be rid of the Pushy Man after he cancelled on me to bone some dumb slore he’d been seeing for awhile. I was apparently quite wrong, but again, NOTHING ABOUT THIS MAN SURPRISES ME ANYMORE. He literally has no concept about what is normal, right or appropriate when it comes to human interaction. So I was not shocked when, over the weekend, I received the following message from the douchenozzle:

“So yeah….Kind of weird, I broke it off with the person I decided to pursue because she wanted a serious future right away….I’m not there yet.

Anyway, if you’re looking to take it slow like completely plutonic, let me know. You seem like a pretty cool and intelligent person fun to hang out and have a conversation with.


william shatner wtf

These things went through my head in no particular order as I read fuckface’s message:

– Thanks for again acknowledging that you decided to pursue someone else, but you have now started this message off by making me feel like sloppy seconds.

– At age 29 (YEAH, this jerkwad is 29), you should probably not be surprised when girls who you “decide to pursue” want a serious relationship. Also you should generally not be surprised about that when YOU ARE DATING GIRLS FROM MATCH.COM. Come on, dude, wtf do you expect?

– Plutonic? It’s PLAtonic, you ignorant asshole. And, YES, you earn the right to be judged for spelling mistakes when you consistently act like a socially inept assface.

– Speaking of “PLUTONIC,” taking it slow and being platonic are two VERY separate, mutually exclusive things. One implies a romantic relationship. The other implies the lack of a romantic relationship, or maybe that you expect to get some without paying for my dinner. NO THANKS, I’LL PASS.

– Is that last sentence even English?

– DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT PLATONIC MEANS??? (Probably not because he can’t spell it).


Anyway, I didn’t even bother to respond to this man. I imagine he’ll get to age 32, still be single, and his parents will arrange a marriage for him (Because, yeah, he’s Indian. And there are websites for that kind of thing now).

I just really am horrified to imagine what this Pushy Man must be like in person. I would imagine it’s pretty unbearable.

Le sigh. These fuckin’ dudes. Got me swearin’ like a sailor because they are so RIDICULOUS.

Real life boys aren’t any better, BUT at least I know I want them to kiss me.

Le sigh to that, too.

giant wine glasses

I need a drink. GOODNIGHT, Y’ALL.


Phew, what a weekend. Thank god I have tomorrow off from work to decompress. I had girlfriends in town last night and we went to a karaoke bar, where we witnessed a fight. It was eventful, to say the least. The hangover I’ve been battling all day tells me we had a ton of fun, too.


My Friday was pretty fun, too! I started the weekend out with a pretty nasty head cold and a date with Iowa, who I think I’ll only refer to as Man Child from here on out. Because, you know, he’s a man child. He’s probably like a year younger than me, but he just seems so young. Especially considering most of the other dudes I’m talking with are several years older than I am. Man Child doesn’t act immaturely or anything, he’s just definitely more youthful.

Anyway, I had a really nice time with the Man Child. We went to this yummy tapas place not far from my place. I had forgotten just how adorable this guy is, and the conversation flowed¬† well. I really enjoy his midwestern sensibilities – he’s kind and down to earth, and just a really nice guy. It’s refreshing.

There was one odd thing about this date, and my last date with him, as well. After our first date, which was just for drinks, he ended the date by attempting to shake my hand.


I was kinda like, “cute, but no,” so I shrugged it off and gave him a hug. But it was still weird.

After this second date, he hugged me. I was a little surprised he didn’t try for a kiss, but at the same time, I guess I had told him up front that I was gross and sick. Maybe I’m thinking too much about it, and maybe it’s not weird at all that he didn’t try to kiss me. Maybe I’m also being a big slore expecting everybody to want to kiss me all the time.

Anyway, I liked seeing Man Child, and I think I’d like to see him again, but I’m not sold on this guy yet. (That seems natural for a second date, though, right?)

I think part of my hesitation with Man Child is that so much is going on in my real-world life. I have two very different story lines playing out right now that are complicating things.

First, I’m still lusting after this stupid sheriff’s deputy at work. I try to flirt with this guy all the time. I don’t think I’m very successful. I am actually pretty certain he doesn’t know my name. I don’t think of myself as a SHY person by any means, but I kind of turn into a pathetic middle school girl when I’m around him. Like, I never know what to say or how to start a conversation.

no logical explanation

My boss thinks I should just get it over with and ask him out. I’ve been plotting all week, trying to figure out how I can do that. Friday I fell asleep thinking of how to catch his attention. I felt a little bad because I was thinking about this Deputy rather than the dude I had just gone on a date with.

To further complicate matters, someone from my past has resurfaced and forced me to consider how I feel about him. We can call this guy Lawyer Man. I have known him for years, and we have always had a very flirtatious friendship. I talk to him all the time. Anyway, things between us are quickly growing more complicated and it’s making me reconsider whether I even want to keep doing at all. I can’t decide if our clear mutual attraction is enough.

live off love

The thing is, even if I do keep dating some of the men I’ve been talking with on, I’m concerned that my complicated friendship with Lawyer Man will keep me from wanting to commit to any of the other guys. I haven’t decided yet if that’s a bad thing.

Honestly, I probably shouldn’t be thinking too much about committing to anyone yet. I’m definitely getting ahead of myself if I do that, because I haven’t gone on more than two dates with anyone from

I keep telling myself I should just go with the flow and see where things take me. Maybe I should actually start doing that? And maybe if I do that the answers to my current dilemmas will resolve themselves.

Regardless, maybe my currently complicated situation isn’t so bad. It’s certainly refreshing to be dating nice men, rather than my typical type – douchey assholes who treat me poorly. And, hey, excitement and options aren’t a bad thing when it comes to dating.


What a Girl Wants

I was supposed to have a date with Pushy Man at 9 pm tonight.

Yes, that’s right! I was going to give the pushiest human alive a chance, even though when he set up the date, he again directed, rather than asked, me to meet him at a certain time at a certain place. But yes, when he set it up, I was willing to at least meet him.

Since I started doing, my philosophy has been that everybody deserves a chance. So, I was going to give Pushy Man ONE chance.

This morning as I was showering, though, I began to rethink the whole thing. As I was sudsing and lathering, I realized that I didn’t find him particularly interesting. I thought he came off rude at some times, and inappropriate at others. By the time I dried off, I had resolved to text him and call off our date.


I got out of the shower and he had texted me this:

“I have to cancel this evening.I’ve decided to go stay with a girl I’ve been seeing.sorry for the inconvenience”

hold da fuck up


Like, for real…..what?

I actually think I might have laughed when I saw it. Did he really have to include all the details about his future boning of this other girl? Did he also really need to send a message without proper punctuation? ABSURD.

I texted Pushy Man back, “It’s okay. I was going to cancel, too.”

Pushy Man’s awkward text message was unsurprising, based on our past interactions, and not even a little bit upsetting. In fact, I’m pretty pleased that instead of going out with him, I get to sit on the couch and catch up on the Biggest Loser and The Voice.


ANYWAY, the whole interaction with Pushy Man, my mini crisis over the weekend, and a long discussion with a friend have me rethinking my approach to both and dating in general:

Why should I be giving chances to guys I’m not really interested in?

In my last post, I said I wanted to treat just as an extra method of meeting people – everything else, dating-wise should be the same! BUT I HAVEN’T ACTUALLY BEEN DOING THAT.

In real life, I would be way more discerning (AKA JUDGEY) than I’ve been so far on

Hey, I have very specific tastes. I like what I like, and that should be okay.

can't choose who you love

So, I have resolved to start acting on as I would in real life. MY TIME IS VERY PRESH. I’m not going to be talking to any of these bozos anymore unless I’m actually interested in getting to know them/sucking their faces off in a dark theater.

I’m not gonna waste my time anymore by faking nice to every dude who winks at me or sends me a dumbass message and uses the wrong form of your/you’re. It’s all about return on investment, and I need to start investing my time more wisely.

I’ve decided that, to get what I want, I need to be a little more of a bitch. I’m also going to start following some new rules:

1. He’s gotta make the first move.

I’m not saying I’m going to sit idle on, but I’m not doing more than winking at these dudes anymore for the most part. I want an assertive guy, so I’m gonna need a guy to put in some effort to date me. If a dude wants it, he needs to chase it. I don’t wanna be the pants-wearer all the time (because lord knows how much I hate wearing pants). So, TRY A LITTLE ROMANCE, INTERNET DUDES! EXERT A LITTLE EFFORT.

2. No fatties or baldies!

(That’s a Sex and the City reference, btw, not a reference to how much of a bitch I’m going to be in dating from now on).

Everybody has a type. I know what my type isn’t. I’m not going to waste my time with a dude I don’t find physically attractive. Like I said, I’m looking for a dude whose face I want to devour. And, I’ve found that if I don’t find a gentleman at least moderately attractive right off the bat, my feelings probably aren’t going to change much. So, I’m turning my superficial up just a little bit. Like I said, it’s all about ROI.

3. I’m not looking to be a sugar mama.

So, prospective suitor, you have a part-time retail job and hope to stay there for awhile? That’s great for you, but I THINK I’LL PASS.

I have always been an overachiever. Sure, I’m mega lazy sometimes (weekend-long binge of Breaking Bad? YES PLEASE!), but I think I deserve it. I have worked really fucking hard to get where I am. Shit, I’m 25 with two degrees and a job with a pension. I need a dude On. My. Level. Cypress Hill said it best: “She said, ‘I want a man with a plan and ambition.'”

So, YEAH. I’m not playin’ around with these jokerz anymore unless they 1) are in a job they’ve worked really hard to get to or 2) they are working toward some end goal. I don’t necessarily care what that end goal is. I understand that not everybody can be a BALLER ATTORNEY like me. But I want a dude that has goals and a vision for his future.


SO, those are my new rules. I’m gonna try to stick to those. Why?

bitch please

But also, I think if I actually stick to that, I’ll find better quality dudes online. Like, dudes that I might actually want to date.

As far as REAL LIFE, non-interwebs dating, I’m gonna switch stuff up there, too. I am actually going to try to put myself out there more. I’m going to try to break the ice with interesting strangers. I’m gonna make an ass of myself.

As a friend recently told me, “you never know, your soul mate could be that cute guy buying your favorite beer at the grocery store.”

Well, I drink a lot of beer, so I’m gonna start talking to all those cute IPA drinkers.¬† What’s the worst that could happen? They’ll be weirded out and I’ll never see them again? There are worse things.

The thing is, my old approach of “LOOK ADORABLE AND BE WITTY AND SMART IN PUBLIC” isn’t working. It doesn’t even work when I wear yoga pants.


So, I’ve decided it’s worth trying something new.

Best case, I’ll meet some √ľberhot dude who likes what I like and we’ll live happily ever after. Second best case, I’ll just meet someone who likes what I like and we’ll both have beer (OR WHATEVER).

Anyway, TL;DR. I’m just going to keep my eyes open for dudes that strike my fancy. In real life and on the world wide web.

And I’m going to try to trust the process more. I don’t need to be forcing the issue so much. I’m 25. I’ve got about a billion years of life left. If I don’t find anyone today, tomorrow, next week, or next year, WHATEVS. Not the end of the world.

go with the flow

But hey, if I stick to what I want, and try to put myself out there more, maybe I’ll actually be successful and end up with I want.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

Yeah. It’d be really nice.

happy endings