All By Myself

So, I’m usually really smart. Not like Einstein smart, but like smart enough that I should be able to objectively look at facts and act reasonably on them.

i'm brilliant

Unfortunately, I’m also really dumb. At least when it comes to matters of the heart, dating, and men.

I have been involved in a very casual thing with this dude for a few months. I haven’t been trying to date him, but I guess I viewed him as a security blanket until I was in a real relationship. “Real relationship” being one I can tell my mom about, one where the dude comes over before midnight, wants to spend time doing THINGS in the world, and maybe shares some of my interests. That is not this dude.  Like, NOT AT ALL. But I knew going in that that was not this dude.

I am dumb because I actually believed that I could carry around this seurity blanket while simultaneously being open to something that would be good for me, something that I really want.

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It can’t happen.

I know it can’t happen because I’ve BEEN THROUGH THIS BEFORE. I’ve made this mistake before. As Einstein said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

So, not only am I dumb, but I’m also insane. As many times as I try, I cannot fit a square peg into a round hole.

It’s like there is a disconnect between the information that goes into my brain and the  way my brain decides to act.

I told myself awhile ago I needed to just cut this guy off. In the end I was too afraid to actually do that, though. Because I guess I’m like everybody else and I hate being alone – as non-feminist as that is – even if that means just having a warm body next to me for a few hours.

bang bang

Fear is a bitch, but I need to stop being a coward. Being alone – like truly alone, with no back-up plan or security blanket – is not the worst thing in the world. But a lifetime of meaningless flings might be.

This isn’t about gettin’ back out there and trying to date some more. This isn’t even about not liking this dude. He’s fine.

No, this is just about actually doing what I keep telling myself I want. This is about innoculating myself to toxic tendencies and learning to be a grown-up. And not having any more bad days.

MIB

Now, I don’t want to go on being whiny about not being able to find someone, or confused about why I am still alone. I don’t want to be Ted Mosby. I just need someone to hold me accountable.

Don’t let me be THAT girl who needs a man to feel less alone in this big, bad world. I hate that girl.

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