Well. I had an interesting weekend.

Except for by “interesting,” I mean that it was a shitshow. A fun shitshow, but a shitshow nonetheless.

Thursday was my birthday, and that’s where the real trouble started. You would think that by age 26, I would have learned how to not like an idiot when I get drunk.

i did the best i could

Apparently not. I had a whole bunch of wine Thursday at dinner and did some silly things, then I continued drinking essentially the whole weekend and continued to do silly things. There is actually not a single moment from this weekend that doesn’t make me SMH.

I run into this problem a lot. I’ll get to this mental place where I want to be serious about dating and not acting like a slore, then I have a weekend where I seem to backslide into my slutty college ways.

I can't do both

I’m all like XTina, asking “When will my reflection show who I am INSIDE??”
( )

ANYWAY, upon reflection, and after much soul-searching, I’m going to try to learn from the silly things that happened this weekend. I’m remembering that I’m not looking to mess around with any random dude that crosses my path, no matter how cute he seems through my beer goggles. I’m trying to find a quality dude.

Here are some very important lessons I’ve learned from this weekend:

1) Dressing like a sloot will probably make you want to act like a sloot.
I mean that in the most feminist way possible. I am NOT saying that if you dress in a skin tight pleather dress, you’re asking for it. All I’m saying is that, for me, putting on some slutty outfit is like Clark Kent putting on his superman costume, except SLUTTIER. Anytime I make the choice to wear something short and tight out, I usually also resolve to: drink a lot, dance even more, and flirt with one million strangers. And if you know me, when I resolve to do something, I DO THAT SHIT. There is a time and a place for gettin’ a lil buckwild. I think I just need to choose those times carefully and slore around in moderation.

demi dancing

2) The waiter is not your soulmate, and sticking your tongue down his throat is probably a mistake. (BTW, sorry Mom)
Yeah. That shit happened. I’m going to blame the fact that it was my birthday, or the fact that he gave me free cheesecake when he wasn’t supposed to. When I was in college, I used to make out with random dudes all the time. Like, there was actually a time where I was waiting to cross the street and just started making out with a dude who was walking by. One of my friends at college told me I probably needed to chill the fuck out with all that noise, because I was going to end up with mouth herpes. APPARENTLY I NEVER LEARNED. Not only should I have not made out with some random dude WHO LIVES AN HOUR AWAY anyway, but I especially shouldn’t have done it for like 2 hours and then told him that “Sure, I’d love to go on a date sometime.”

nuh uh beyonce

UGH. Do better drunkrachel.

3) No matter how nice the guys seem, you probably should not go out to their van in a dark alley to take a shot of bourbon.
Yeah, so. That shit happened, too. 2 girls, 7 dudes in a band, one dark parking lot. Somehow, my friend and I thought it was totally a good idea. In retrospect, we are fucking idiots. I mean, we were joking with these dudes like “You’re not going to murder us and mutilate our bodies, are you?” and it was funny then. BUT THAT SHIT ACTUALLY COULD HAVE HAPPENED. I could be laying in some ditch with my limbs scattered around me right now. I think maybe that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. (The bourbon was delicious, though.)

what's wrong with you

4) You don’t need to drink every free drink someone buys for you, especially if that drink was on fire 5 seconds before you drank it.
If it can be lit on fire, then you’re probably going to be wasted just from smelling the fumes. You will also probably end up doing stupid shit because of it (E.G., NUMBERS 1 through 3). You will likely end the night passed out on someone’s floor. Also: ROOFIES.

amy poehler

5) Stay the fuck off facebook if you are shitfaced.
Nothing good will come of it. While you’re at it, stay the fuck off twitter too, you silly drunk bitches. You will end up telling someone who you see on a regular basis that you would like to “get rough” with him. Even if it’s true, you probably shouldn’t say it.

SO those are the bad things I am going to focus on learning from. It wasn’t all bad though. Here are some good things I learned this weekend:

6) Sometimes a girl just needs to dance.
BONUS: dancing will burn off a lot of the calories from all those beers you’re probably drinking.

snoop last supper

7) Good girlfriends are hard to find, but oh so valuable.

8) You’ll have more fun if you’re singing at the top of your lungs.
Especially if you’re singing to 90s hits.

9) Never underestimate the power of a sexy outfit.
This is the flipside to #1. If you look good, you’re gonna feel good. And damn it feels good to have men you’ve never met calling you beautiful.

bow down

Also, it keeps the bar tab low. #freedrinks #shots #butijustsaidishouldn’ttakeallthosefreedrinks

10) Even if you end up doing crazy shit, mistakes make for the best stories.
You just have to not make those mistakes all the time.

real responsibility

All in all, it was an epic weekend. I had too much fun and my liver is still recovering. I acted like a drunk idiot, though, and I hope drunkrachel didn’t mess anything up for real in sober rachel’s world.

I think it was good to get some shitshow out of my system, though. It had been awhile, and it’s good to actually have some balance to my otherwise lame and monotonous life. Now I can focus on being a non-slore and actually enjoying the company of quality gentlemen.

I’ve got two dates set up this week (including date #3 with Eat Pray Love!), so hopefully those go well. And maybe I’ll dress juuuuust a little slutty.

Because, like I said, you should never underestimate the power of a sexy outfit 😉



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