End of the Road

I think we need to take a break.

It’s not you, it’s me.

I’m like reallllllly busy with work. I’m not looking for anything serious. I need to just focus on me right now, and you deserve better. Let’s just be friends.

…But for real. I’m taking a hiatus from this whole blogging thing. For a couple reasons.

I’m so over online dating. My sister bought me like 6 months worth, but in that time, I’ve met approximately zero worthwhile men. If the men I’ve been on dates with are the cream of the crop, it was a pretty sad harvest.

At this point, I’d rather go buy myself nice dinners and drink beer alone. At least I know I’d actually enjoy the company.

But for real, who could do six months of that? It’s so frustrating. I’d rather die a slow death by a million papercuts. Or be urinated on by one of the homeless men on the Chicago Red Line.

So I’m taking a little breakski from match.com. The whole experience of dealing with duds makes me real mad, and I hate being mad. I’d rather think about happy things like cute baby animals or delicious beer.

Since I started this blog to talk about all the weirdos who try to find love on the internet, I won’t have anything to write about. And I get real uncomfortable talking about people that other people reading this blog know in real life. Lord knows I don’t like my own biznazzzz out in the open. They probably feel the same way.

SO merry christmas, find a new blog to read.

This is bobachel, signing off.

At least for now.

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You Only Get What You Give

I’ve been thinking a lot about dating karma this week.

When I look back on my dating history, there’s like one nice guy, a string of douche bags, followed by like maybe one more nice guy, then even douchier douche bags. I mean, there was probably only one dude who was really HORRIBLE, but the rest clearly weren’t winners, seeing as I’m still single.

Is this a result of my dating karma? Am I putting bad shit out there in the universe?

jon hamm crying

I went on like a billion dates this week (okay, it was only three. but three in 3 days is a lot!), and only one of them was any fun.

I’m so tiiiiiiiiiired of going out on mediocre dates. Like, I used to get excited about EVERY date. I love getting to know people and trying new things. But after awhile it gets hard to be interested in people who really aren’t that interesting.

I’m about ready to get in touch with my friend’s Indian grandmother so she can arrange a marriage for me.

When I can’t expect to have a good time on a date, it’s pretty hard to mentally get it up for any of these dudes. Then it’s a vicious cycle, because I’m probably broadcasting pretty clearly that “I’M NOT FUCKING INTERESTED”. Like I’m sure it flashes across my forehead in neon lights or something. I’m guessing.

It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don’t think I’ll be interested, then I become uninterested.

feelings

At the same time, I’m also fucking tired of dudes who seemingly have no testicles. I had a third date tonight with Eat Pray Love. I was really into him after our last date, and I was supposed to make him dinner tonight. I had to change plans last minute, but I still let him know that I really wanted to meet up with him, and so we ended up just grabbing a drink. I thought I was broadcasting pretty clearly that “I’M STILL FUCKING INTERESTED.”

Maybe I was a boring slore during dinner (I was exhausted), but it wasn’t nearly the worst date I’ve ever been on. So, obvi, I was expecting maybe a different goodbye than the last two dates. AKA I thought he would maybe actually try to kiss me. You know, like a normal thing that should happen by the third date (or for real, the second. let’s be real).

No dice.

How do you get to be a thirty year old man and can’t figure out how to make a move by three dates? What world am I living in? Makes no sense.

your world

Not everything is horrible, I guess. There’s still one promising gentleman. I’m excited about that possibility, but I’m trying to figure out a way to feel it out without getting too excited. Because when that happens, I usually end up disappointed. Hopefully I send out appropriate signals into the universe. Because he actually seems like he could be a lot of fun.

Or maybe I’m just doomed to keep building up shitty dating karma.

IDK. Questions without answers.

Reflection

Well. I had an interesting weekend.

Except for by “interesting,” I mean that it was a shitshow. A fun shitshow, but a shitshow nonetheless.

Thursday was my birthday, and that’s where the real trouble started. You would think that by age 26, I would have learned how to not like an idiot when I get drunk.

i did the best i could

Apparently not. I had a whole bunch of wine Thursday at dinner and did some silly things, then I continued drinking essentially the whole weekend and continued to do silly things. There is actually not a single moment from this weekend that doesn’t make me SMH.

I run into this problem a lot. I’ll get to this mental place where I want to be serious about dating and not acting like a slore, then I have a weekend where I seem to backslide into my slutty college ways.

I can't do both

I’m all like XTina, asking “When will my reflection show who I am INSIDE??”
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8GUCQQZS64 )

ANYWAY, upon reflection, and after much soul-searching, I’m going to try to learn from the silly things that happened this weekend. I’m remembering that I’m not looking to mess around with any random dude that crosses my path, no matter how cute he seems through my beer goggles. I’m trying to find a quality dude.

Here are some very important lessons I’ve learned from this weekend:

1) Dressing like a sloot will probably make you want to act like a sloot.
I mean that in the most feminist way possible. I am NOT saying that if you dress in a skin tight pleather dress, you’re asking for it. All I’m saying is that, for me, putting on some slutty outfit is like Clark Kent putting on his superman costume, except SLUTTIER. Anytime I make the choice to wear something short and tight out, I usually also resolve to: drink a lot, dance even more, and flirt with one million strangers. And if you know me, when I resolve to do something, I DO THAT SHIT. There is a time and a place for gettin’ a lil buckwild. I think I just need to choose those times carefully and slore around in moderation.

demi dancing

2) The waiter is not your soulmate, and sticking your tongue down his throat is probably a mistake. (BTW, sorry Mom)
Yeah. That shit happened. I’m going to blame the fact that it was my birthday, or the fact that he gave me free cheesecake when he wasn’t supposed to. When I was in college, I used to make out with random dudes all the time. Like, there was actually a time where I was waiting to cross the street and just started making out with a dude who was walking by. One of my friends at college told me I probably needed to chill the fuck out with all that noise, because I was going to end up with mouth herpes. APPARENTLY I NEVER LEARNED. Not only should I have not made out with some random dude WHO LIVES AN HOUR AWAY anyway, but I especially shouldn’t have done it for like 2 hours and then told him that “Sure, I’d love to go on a date sometime.”

nuh uh beyonce

UGH. Do better drunkrachel.

3) No matter how nice the guys seem, you probably should not go out to their van in a dark alley to take a shot of bourbon.
Yeah, so. That shit happened, too. 2 girls, 7 dudes in a band, one dark parking lot. Somehow, my friend and I thought it was totally a good idea. In retrospect, we are fucking idiots. I mean, we were joking with these dudes like “You’re not going to murder us and mutilate our bodies, are you?” and it was funny then. BUT THAT SHIT ACTUALLY COULD HAVE HAPPENED. I could be laying in some ditch with my limbs scattered around me right now. I think maybe that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. (The bourbon was delicious, though.)

what's wrong with you

4) You don’t need to drink every free drink someone buys for you, especially if that drink was on fire 5 seconds before you drank it.
If it can be lit on fire, then you’re probably going to be wasted just from smelling the fumes. You will also probably end up doing stupid shit because of it (E.G., NUMBERS 1 through 3). You will likely end the night passed out on someone’s floor. Also: ROOFIES.

amy poehler

5) Stay the fuck off facebook if you are shitfaced.
Nothing good will come of it. While you’re at it, stay the fuck off twitter too, you silly drunk bitches. You will end up telling someone who you see on a regular basis that you would like to “get rough” with him. Even if it’s true, you probably shouldn’t say it.

SO those are the bad things I am going to focus on learning from. It wasn’t all bad though. Here are some good things I learned this weekend:

6) Sometimes a girl just needs to dance.
BONUS: dancing will burn off a lot of the calories from all those beers you’re probably drinking.

snoop last supper

7) Good girlfriends are hard to find, but oh so valuable.

8) You’ll have more fun if you’re singing at the top of your lungs.
Especially if you’re singing to 90s hits.

9) Never underestimate the power of a sexy outfit.
This is the flipside to #1. If you look good, you’re gonna feel good. And damn it feels good to have men you’ve never met calling you beautiful.

bow down

Also, it keeps the bar tab low. #freedrinks #shots #butijustsaidishouldn’ttakeallthosefreedrinks

10) Even if you end up doing crazy shit, mistakes make for the best stories.
You just have to not make those mistakes all the time.

real responsibility

All in all, it was an epic weekend. I had too much fun and my liver is still recovering. I acted like a drunk idiot, though, and I hope drunkrachel didn’t mess anything up for real in sober rachel’s world.

I think it was good to get some shitshow out of my system, though. It had been awhile, and it’s good to actually have some balance to my otherwise lame and monotonous life. Now I can focus on being a non-slore and actually enjoying the company of quality gentlemen.

I’ve got two dates set up this week (including date #3 with Eat Pray Love!), so hopefully those go well. And maybe I’ll dress juuuuust a little slutty.

Because, like I said, you should never underestimate the power of a sexy outfit 😉

adele

I’ll Make a Man Out of You

Online dating is weird, isn’t it?

wine

My experience has been, anyway.

I started really hot and fast on match.com. I was talking to like a billion guys and it seemed like I was going on dates all the time. It was exciting getting so much attention and having something to look forward to (and having something to write about, too)!

who's up next

I felt like a hot commodity, and thought these dudes actually realized that I was a real catch!

…..That was like two months ago, though, and my attitude about online dating has drastically changed.

I don’t care to give match.com as much energy as I did before. I’m becoming less confident that I will really find my “match” online. And I’ve stopped being nice to online dudes just to be nice.

fuck all that

I feel like my experience with match.com mirrors  my real world dating history – but in reality, making that comparison would be giving me a lot of credit.

On one hand, there are similarities – I start out hopeful that I’ll find a great guy, then I become jaded when I realize 1) most guys end up disappointing me in some way and 2) most guys can’t check off even half of my boxes. I think maybe these realizations come more quickly in online dating, but other than that the same old  patterns are there.

mindy disappointed

But like I said, I can’t really compare match.com with the real world too much because there’s one HUGE difference between online BoBachel and real life Rachel:

Real life Rachel is a huge coward.

Yeah, I’ll admit it.

I have no cajones when it comes to dealing with men in the real world.

i stole it from the internet

Today after work, I went out with a bunch of coworkers for our weekly happy hour and my love life came up.  Why? Well, it seems that my love life is a frequent topic of conversation among not only my coworkers, but also everyone we work with at the courthouse.

Apparently one of the bailiffs wants to date me. I’m not interested in him because he is, for lack of a better word, ugly. (Sorry, dude). Everyone knows that he’s got a thing for me. Unfortunately, he’s not the same bailiff that I want to maybe date. Apparently everyone knows about my crush on the other bailiff, too. It’s a really depressing would-be love triangle.

BUT my coworkers started giving me a bunch of (well-deserved) shit about the whole situation because I’m probably responsible for a lot of the mess. I’ve been a real idiot about the Cute Bailiff. Anytime I see him, I turn into a frickin middle school girl and either ignore him or say like two stupid words to him.

dassit

You’d think that I, a cute, smart, successful-for-my-age, 20something, would have big enough balls to at least SPEAK a sentence to this man.

spastic child

It shouldn’t be that hard. I should know better. And if I actually didn’t act like an idiot, the non-cute Bailiff probably would realize I wasn’t interested in him, and the hubbub at the courthouse would subside. AND I COULD LIVE IN PEACE.

That’s not even the only instance of cowardice in my non-interwebs romantic life. I’ve been really passive about the whole Lawyer Man situation, too.

I was supposed to see this dude over the holiday weekend. It didn’t happen. There were some contributing factors (e.g., we both came down with some plague-cold hybrid virus), but my gut tells me I should move on.

Like this panda:

rolling panda

I’ve read “He’s Just Not That Into You.” I buy into it, because for real: if a guy is into you and wants to date you, he’ll make it happen.

This guy hasn’t made it happen yet, nor does it seem that he has plans to.

I’m trying to summon up some of the courage and sass of my online alter-ego to improve the situation in my real world possible romances. I need to just chat the Cute Bailiff up and ask him to get drinks with me. I need to tell Lawyer Man that if he really wanted to date me, he’d get his ass to Kentucky.

My mental shift over the past few months has been to make match.com just another dating option, to have it be as close to real life as possible. Sure, it’s really easy to come off as an appealing, dateable girl in a paragraph or two, but should it really be harder in real life?

In reality, it should probably be easier. I should be able to get the guys I already know, too.

So I think I’m  going to make an adjustment, in part due to the barrage of shit I took today. I’m going to be more BoBachel in my everyday life, because BoBachel at least goes on dates. Rachel doesn’t.

do over

From this point forward, I resolve to be as cute and sassy in real life as I try to be in the limited snapshot I’ve provided on the internet.

I can’t be afraid of rejection of ANYONE, let alone these dudes I’m currently dealing with. I need to start acting like the hot commodity I know I am.

demi dancing

Because in the end, they’re just boys. They’re nothing to be afraid of.

So, I guess if I want to find myself a boy I’ll have to man up.