Kiss Me

I just went on a third date with the Man Child and I’m feeling …. apathetic? Yeah. I think maybe that’s the right word. (Side note: in discussing this date with a friend, I used the word “maybe” about 23425320 times to describe my feelings about the date. Obviously I’m pretty undecided about the whole thing).

ANYWAY. So the date.

I had just seen Man Child on Friday, so I was pretty excited when he suggested we play trivia together at a local bar just a couple days after our second date. I mean, third dates are fun, and I LOVE TRIVIA.  I was looking forward to something more laid back with him, too. And Man Child is cute and really nice!

lauren conrad aww

BUT THEN, all this mind fuckery happened over the weekend with real life boys. Going into the date today I wasn’t really very excited about it. I was more excited about the real life boys than I was about Man Child.

So I get to the bar for trivia. Man Child was as adorable as always in casual wear – jeans and a sweatshirt, I think that’s like a midwest uniform. I really do love a boy in jeans and a sweatshirt. And he was nice and funny, too, just like I remembered.

HOWEVA, overall, the date was “MEH” because I was distracted, both by things going on in the bar and things going on in my head. (Side note: I think he may have also been distracted, but by my doing, because I wore a VERY low cut shirt and my boobs looked preeeeeeetty glorious. My bad.)

It was like last week when I went out with Funny Man: through the date I felt as though he was more my buddy than a romantic interest. I started to get that feeling at times during my date with Man Child. The date vacillated for me between buddy-hang-out-time and we-are-on-a-date-time.

As trivia came to a close, however, things just got weird. Man Child said he’d have to jet right away once trivia was done to pick up his drunk buddy. I was fine with that, because WHATEVS. However, I didn’t realize that that meant once we left the restaurant, we would split ways entirely after barely even speaking “goodbye.” Like, literally, he waved goodbye to me. Not even a hug. AND, still, no kiss. After 3 dates.

what are you waiting for

That’s weird, right? Like, I can understand maybe not going in for a kiss under certain circumstances, but is anyone too busy even for a hug? It’s like we’re back to the first date where he tried to shake my hand.

What’s more weird about the non-kiss at the end of the date is that I CAN’T EVEN DECIDE if I wanted to kiss him at the end of the night. I feel like after three dates, maybe I should have made up my mind about that. Right? Sure, maybe physical chemistry can build over time, but how long am I supposed to give it? And at what point does my indecision about whether I find this dude sexy/want to devour his face turn into leading the poor schmuck on? There’s got to be a time limit on that kind of thing.

IDK. My Bff Jill. I have no answers right now, only “MEH” feelings. I have no idea what I will say if/when he asks me out for another date.

i wanna take a nap

BUT, I’ll tell you who I don’t have “MEH” feelings for.

PUSHY MAN.

Yes, folks, you read that correctly. Pushy Man is back.

I thought, happily, we’d forever be rid of the Pushy Man after he cancelled on me to bone some dumb slore he’d been seeing for awhile. I was apparently quite wrong, but again, NOTHING ABOUT THIS MAN SURPRISES ME ANYMORE. He literally has no concept about what is normal, right or appropriate when it comes to human interaction. So I was not shocked when, over the weekend, I received the following message from the douchenozzle:

“So yeah….Kind of weird, I broke it off with the person I decided to pursue because she wanted a serious future right away….I’m not there yet.

Anyway, if you’re looking to take it slow like completely plutonic, let me know. You seem like a pretty cool and intelligent person fun to hang out and have a conversation with.

Cheers!”

william shatner wtf

These things went through my head in no particular order as I read fuckface’s message:

– Thanks for again acknowledging that you decided to pursue someone else, but you have now started this message off by making me feel like sloppy seconds.

– At age 29 (YEAH, this jerkwad is 29), you should probably not be surprised when girls who you “decide to pursue” want a serious relationship. Also you should generally not be surprised about that when YOU ARE DATING GIRLS FROM MATCH.COM. Come on, dude, wtf do you expect?

– Plutonic? It’s PLAtonic, you ignorant asshole. And, YES, you earn the right to be judged for spelling mistakes when you consistently act like a socially inept assface.

– Speaking of “PLUTONIC,” taking it slow and being platonic are two VERY separate, mutually exclusive things. One implies a romantic relationship. The other implies the lack of a romantic relationship, or maybe that you expect to get some without paying for my dinner. NO THANKS, I’LL PASS.

– Is that last sentence even English?

– DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT PLATONIC MEANS??? (Probably not because he can’t spell it).

horrifying

Anyway, I didn’t even bother to respond to this man. I imagine he’ll get to age 32, still be single, and his parents will arrange a marriage for him (Because, yeah, he’s Indian. And there are websites for that kind of thing now).

I just really am horrified to imagine what this Pushy Man must be like in person. I would imagine it’s pretty unbearable.

Le sigh. These fuckin’ dudes. Got me swearin’ like a sailor because they are so RIDICULOUS.

Real life boys aren’t any better, BUT at least I know I want them to kiss me.

Le sigh to that, too.

giant wine glasses

I need a drink. GOODNIGHT, Y’ALL.

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10 thoughts on “Kiss Me

  1. C’mon, all Indians aren’t so bad….but fuck him for misspelling platonic. I can’t handle that shit.

  2. I love this. Last year I was crazy OKC girl. I feel like you’re re-writing every thing I went through. My ‘Man Child’ was an idealistic journalist….we’re still friends…we’ve still never kissed.

    • Well, I guess it’s comforting to know friendships can come out of this all. Maybe Man Child and I can be buddies, too. And if I’m following your trek through online dating, I hope there’s a happy ending ahead for me?

  3. Maybe he meant plutonic. Who knows what the kids are saying these days. Maybe he meant he wants to rock you like magma with his volcano of love (thus forming igneous rock beneath the surface of the earth). Don’t take it for granite that he got it wrong.

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