What a Girl Wants

I was supposed to have a date with Pushy Man at 9 pm tonight.

Yes, that’s right! I was going to give the pushiest human alive a chance, even though when he set up the date, he again directed, rather than asked, me to meet him at a certain time at a certain place. But yes, when he set it up, I was willing to at least meet him.

Since I started doing match.com, my philosophy has been that everybody deserves a chance. So, I was going to give Pushy Man ONE chance.

This morning as I was showering, though, I began to rethink the whole thing. As I was sudsing and lathering, I realized that I didn’t find him particularly interesting. I thought he came off rude at some times, and inappropriate at others. By the time I dried off, I had resolved to text him and call off our date.


I got out of the shower and he had texted me this:

“I have to cancel this evening.I’ve decided to go stay with a girl I’ve been seeing.sorry for the inconvenience”

hold da fuck up


Like, for real…..what?

I actually think I might have laughed when I saw it. Did he really have to include all the details about his future boning of this other girl? Did he also really need to send a message without proper punctuation? ABSURD.

I texted Pushy Man back, “It’s okay. I was going to cancel, too.”

Pushy Man’s awkward text message was unsurprising, based on our past interactions, and not even a little bit upsetting. In fact, I’m pretty pleased that instead of going out with him, I get to sit on the couch and catch up on the Biggest Loser and The Voice.


ANYWAY, the whole interaction with Pushy Man, my mini crisis over the weekend, and a long discussion with a friend have me rethinking my approach to both match.com and dating in general:

Why should I be giving chances to guys I’m not really interested in?

In my last post, I said I wanted to treat match.com just as an extra method of meeting people – everything else, dating-wise should be the same! BUT I HAVEN’T ACTUALLY BEEN DOING THAT.

In real life, I would be way more discerning (AKA JUDGEY) than I’ve been so far on match.com.

Hey, I have very specific tastes. I like what I like, and that should be okay.

can't choose who you love

So, I have resolved to start acting on match.com as I would in real life. MY TIME IS VERY PRESH. I’m not going to be talking to any of these bozos anymore unless I’m actually interested in getting to know them/sucking their faces off in a dark theater.

I’m not gonna waste my time anymore by faking nice to every dude who winks at me or sends me a dumbass message and uses the wrong form of your/you’re. It’s all about return on investment, and I need to start investing my time more wisely.

I’ve decided that, to get what I want, I need to be a little more of a bitch. I’m also going to start following some new rules:

1. He’s gotta make the first move.

I’m not saying I’m going to sit idle on match.com, but I’m not doing more than winking at these dudes anymore for the most part. I want an assertive guy, so I’m gonna need a guy to put in some effort to date me. If a dude wants it, he needs to chase it. I don’t wanna be the pants-wearer all the time (because lord knows how much I hate wearing pants). So, TRY A LITTLE ROMANCE, INTERNET DUDES! EXERT A LITTLE EFFORT.

2. No fatties or baldies!

(That’s a Sex and the City reference, btw, not a reference to how much of a bitch I’m going to be in dating from now on).

Everybody has a type. I know what my type isn’t. I’m not going to waste my time with a dude I don’t find physically attractive. Like I said, I’m looking for a dude whose face I want to devour. And, I’ve found that if I don’t find a gentleman at least moderately attractive right off the bat, my feelings probably aren’t going to change much. So, I’m turning my superficial up just a little bit. Like I said, it’s all about ROI.

3. I’m not looking to be a sugar mama.

So, prospective suitor, you have a part-time retail job and hope to stay there for awhile? That’s great for you, but I THINK I’LL PASS.

I have always been an overachiever. Sure, I’m mega lazy sometimes (weekend-long binge of Breaking Bad? YES PLEASE!), but I think I deserve it. I have worked really fucking hard to get where I am. Shit, I’m 25 with two degrees and a job with a pension. I need a dude On. My. Level. Cypress Hill said it best: “She said, ‘I want a man with a plan and ambition.'”

So, YEAH. I’m not playin’ around with these jokerz anymore unless they 1) are in a job they’ve worked really hard to get to or 2) they are working toward some end goal. I don’t necessarily care what that end goal is. I understand that not everybody can be a BALLER ATTORNEY like me. But I want a dude that has goals and a vision for his future.


SO, those are my new rules. I’m gonna try to stick to those. Why?

bitch please

But also, I think if I actually stick to that, I’ll find better quality dudes online. Like, dudes that I might actually want to date.

As far as REAL LIFE, non-interwebs dating, I’m gonna switch stuff up there, too. I am actually going to try to put myself out there more. I’m going to try to break the ice with interesting strangers. I’m gonna make an ass of myself.

As a friend recently told me, “you never know, your soul mate could be that cute guy buying your favorite beer at the grocery store.”

Well, I drink a lot of beer, so I’m gonna start talking to all those cute IPA drinkers.  What’s the worst that could happen? They’ll be weirded out and I’ll never see them again? There are worse things.

The thing is, my old approach of “LOOK ADORABLE AND BE WITTY AND SMART IN PUBLIC” isn’t working. It doesn’t even work when I wear yoga pants.


So, I’ve decided it’s worth trying something new.

Best case, I’ll meet some überhot dude who likes what I like and we’ll live happily ever after. Second best case, I’ll just meet someone who likes what I like and we’ll both have beer (OR WHATEVER).

Anyway, TL;DR. I’m just going to keep my eyes open for dudes that strike my fancy. In real life and on the world wide web.

And I’m going to try to trust the process more. I don’t need to be forcing the issue so much. I’m 25. I’ve got about a billion years of life left. If I don’t find anyone today, tomorrow, next week, or next year, WHATEVS. Not the end of the world.

go with the flow

But hey, if I stick to what I want, and try to put myself out there more, maybe I’ll actually be successful and end up with I want.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

Yeah. It’d be really nice.

happy endings


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