Hold On, We’re Going Home

So, it’s been awhile. Did you miss me? I missed you. Really, promise.

What I HAVE NOT missed that much is match.com. In the last two weeks I’ve become rather apathetic about it. Online dating is starting to feel like this:

sidetracked baby

It’s actually really weird because I’m actually still in contact with a few interesting guys. I even had some dates lined up this last weekend!

My first scheduled date was with this dude Eat, Pray, Love. We went to this AWESOME craft beer bar that I most definitely will be visiting many more times (especially when you all come to visit me?).

I wasn’t sure what to expect looks-wise because half of his pictures were of him visiting cool places and he looked like a dirty hippie because those places  probably didn’t have running water. But he was super cute! He actually kind of reminds me of this guy (look familiar, Gossip Girl fans?):

gossip-girl-matthew-settle

Cute, right?

There was a little moment at the beginning of the date where I was an awkward idiot. Before I met him at the bar, he had apparently texted me to tell me he was waiting outside. I missed that text. Not realizing he was waiting for me outside, I walked up to the front door to go inside. He stopped me and asked if I was Rachel. I was taken aback, and the first thing that popped out of my awkward mouth was “Oh, you look …different than I expected.”

awkward britney face

…Ugh. It took me like five awkward follow up apologies to get my foot out of my mouth. What I was thinking was “you’re really cute!” but what I actually said made me sound like a real asshole.

But I guess he got over it because after that, the date was great! In fact, as far as first dates go, it was definitely up there as one of the best I think. Eat, Pray, Love was  nice and normal and interesting. He’s traveled all over the place and is training to be a pilot. He has a tattoo on his forearm, too. I don’t usually go for that kind of ink, but on him it was kind of sexy. I really liked him a lot.

My second scheduled date didn’t go. It’s with supposed to be with this SUPER CUTE med student. Like, just thinking about the fact that he’s going to be a hot doctor gets me worked up. I WOULD say he’s out of my league but I am pretty FABULOUS!

Biggie

Anyway, Dr. McHottie was going to take me to dinner, but he got called into do important doctor-in-training things. He kept apologizing that he had to cancel, and he promised to make it up to me, so I took a rain check.

oprah

Swoon. Sounds like just what the doctor ordered.

So, you might be saying to yourself, “Rachel, it sounds like you’re living the dream! Many cute boys want to date you! What’s up with all the dating apathy?

What’s up is that I’m still really conflicted about this real life boy I’ve been crushin’ on forever, Lawyer Man. We’re supposed to see each other when I go home for Thanksgiving and I haven’t been able to think about much else for the past three weeks. I’m very excited to see him, but I’m also really unsure about the consequences of us seeing each other. Right now it’s like we’re doing this weird dance, or playing chicken.

cute-fight

I’m conflicted because he lives hundreds of miles away and he’s only moving farther away. And I can’t tell how serious he is about us trying to work something out. Maybe it’s one of those things that I’ll have to feel out when I actually get some face time with him? I don’t know.

What I do know is that I have a mental block right now. I can’t mentally or emotionally commit to the idea of giving any of these internet dudes a chance because of how I feel about Lawyer Man. It’s one of those things that I think would have me wondering “what if?” if I didn’t give it a shot.

my emotions

Anyway, I hope I gain some insight after this weekend and my trip home. Whatever the outcome, having some clarity on what to do with my dating life would be something I’d be very thankful for.

Kiss Me

I just went on a third date with the Man Child and I’m feeling …. apathetic? Yeah. I think maybe that’s the right word. (Side note: in discussing this date with a friend, I used the word “maybe” about 23425320 times to describe my feelings about the date. Obviously I’m pretty undecided about the whole thing).

ANYWAY. So the date.

I had just seen Man Child on Friday, so I was pretty excited when he suggested we play trivia together at a local bar just a couple days after our second date. I mean, third dates are fun, and I LOVE TRIVIA.  I was looking forward to something more laid back with him, too. And Man Child is cute and really nice!

lauren conrad aww

BUT THEN, all this mind fuckery happened over the weekend with real life boys. Going into the date today I wasn’t really very excited about it. I was more excited about the real life boys than I was about Man Child.

So I get to the bar for trivia. Man Child was as adorable as always in casual wear – jeans and a sweatshirt, I think that’s like a midwest uniform. I really do love a boy in jeans and a sweatshirt. And he was nice and funny, too, just like I remembered.

HOWEVA, overall, the date was “MEH” because I was distracted, both by things going on in the bar and things going on in my head. (Side note: I think he may have also been distracted, but by my doing, because I wore a VERY low cut shirt and my boobs looked preeeeeeetty glorious. My bad.)

It was like last week when I went out with Funny Man: through the date I felt as though he was more my buddy than a romantic interest. I started to get that feeling at times during my date with Man Child. The date vacillated for me between buddy-hang-out-time and we-are-on-a-date-time.

As trivia came to a close, however, things just got weird. Man Child said he’d have to jet right away once trivia was done to pick up his drunk buddy. I was fine with that, because WHATEVS. However, I didn’t realize that that meant once we left the restaurant, we would split ways entirely after barely even speaking “goodbye.” Like, literally, he waved goodbye to me. Not even a hug. AND, still, no kiss. After 3 dates.

what are you waiting for

That’s weird, right? Like, I can understand maybe not going in for a kiss under certain circumstances, but is anyone too busy even for a hug? It’s like we’re back to the first date where he tried to shake my hand.

What’s more weird about the non-kiss at the end of the date is that I CAN’T EVEN DECIDE if I wanted to kiss him at the end of the night. I feel like after three dates, maybe I should have made up my mind about that. Right? Sure, maybe physical chemistry can build over time, but how long am I supposed to give it? And at what point does my indecision about whether I find this dude sexy/want to devour his face turn into leading the poor schmuck on? There’s got to be a time limit on that kind of thing.

IDK. My Bff Jill. I have no answers right now, only “MEH” feelings. I have no idea what I will say if/when he asks me out for another date.

i wanna take a nap

BUT, I’ll tell you who I don’t have “MEH” feelings for.

PUSHY MAN.

Yes, folks, you read that correctly. Pushy Man is back.

I thought, happily, we’d forever be rid of the Pushy Man after he cancelled on me to bone some dumb slore he’d been seeing for awhile. I was apparently quite wrong, but again, NOTHING ABOUT THIS MAN SURPRISES ME ANYMORE. He literally has no concept about what is normal, right or appropriate when it comes to human interaction. So I was not shocked when, over the weekend, I received the following message from the douchenozzle:

“So yeah….Kind of weird, I broke it off with the person I decided to pursue because she wanted a serious future right away….I’m not there yet.

Anyway, if you’re looking to take it slow like completely plutonic, let me know. You seem like a pretty cool and intelligent person fun to hang out and have a conversation with.

Cheers!”

william shatner wtf

These things went through my head in no particular order as I read fuckface’s message:

– Thanks for again acknowledging that you decided to pursue someone else, but you have now started this message off by making me feel like sloppy seconds.

– At age 29 (YEAH, this jerkwad is 29), you should probably not be surprised when girls who you “decide to pursue” want a serious relationship. Also you should generally not be surprised about that when YOU ARE DATING GIRLS FROM MATCH.COM. Come on, dude, wtf do you expect?

– Plutonic? It’s PLAtonic, you ignorant asshole. And, YES, you earn the right to be judged for spelling mistakes when you consistently act like a socially inept assface.

– Speaking of “PLUTONIC,” taking it slow and being platonic are two VERY separate, mutually exclusive things. One implies a romantic relationship. The other implies the lack of a romantic relationship, or maybe that you expect to get some without paying for my dinner. NO THANKS, I’LL PASS.

– Is that last sentence even English?

– DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT PLATONIC MEANS??? (Probably not because he can’t spell it).

horrifying

Anyway, I didn’t even bother to respond to this man. I imagine he’ll get to age 32, still be single, and his parents will arrange a marriage for him (Because, yeah, he’s Indian. And there are websites for that kind of thing now).

I just really am horrified to imagine what this Pushy Man must be like in person. I would imagine it’s pretty unbearable.

Le sigh. These fuckin’ dudes. Got me swearin’ like a sailor because they are so RIDICULOUS.

Real life boys aren’t any better, BUT at least I know I want them to kiss me.

Le sigh to that, too.

giant wine glasses

I need a drink. GOODNIGHT, Y’ALL.

Complicated

Phew, what a weekend. Thank god I have tomorrow off from work to decompress. I had girlfriends in town last night and we went to a karaoke bar, where we witnessed a fight. It was eventful, to say the least. The hangover I’ve been battling all day tells me we had a ton of fun, too.

drunk

My Friday was pretty fun, too! I started the weekend out with a pretty nasty head cold and a date with Iowa, who I think I’ll only refer to as Man Child from here on out. Because, you know, he’s a man child. He’s probably like a year younger than me, but he just seems so young. Especially considering most of the other dudes I’m talking with are several years older than I am. Man Child doesn’t act immaturely or anything, he’s just definitely more youthful.

Anyway, I had a really nice time with the Man Child. We went to this yummy tapas place not far from my place. I had forgotten just how adorable this guy is, and the conversation flowed  well. I really enjoy his midwestern sensibilities – he’s kind and down to earth, and just a really nice guy. It’s refreshing.

There was one odd thing about this date, and my last date with him, as well. After our first date, which was just for drinks, he ended the date by attempting to shake my hand.

wow

I was kinda like, “cute, but no,” so I shrugged it off and gave him a hug. But it was still weird.

After this second date, he hugged me. I was a little surprised he didn’t try for a kiss, but at the same time, I guess I had told him up front that I was gross and sick. Maybe I’m thinking too much about it, and maybe it’s not weird at all that he didn’t try to kiss me. Maybe I’m also being a big slore expecting everybody to want to kiss me all the time.

Anyway, I liked seeing Man Child, and I think I’d like to see him again, but I’m not sold on this guy yet. (That seems natural for a second date, though, right?)

I think part of my hesitation with Man Child is that so much is going on in my real-world life. I have two very different story lines playing out right now that are complicating things.

First, I’m still lusting after this stupid sheriff’s deputy at work. I try to flirt with this guy all the time. I don’t think I’m very successful. I am actually pretty certain he doesn’t know my name. I don’t think of myself as a SHY person by any means, but I kind of turn into a pathetic middle school girl when I’m around him. Like, I never know what to say or how to start a conversation.

no logical explanation

My boss thinks I should just get it over with and ask him out. I’ve been plotting all week, trying to figure out how I can do that. Friday I fell asleep thinking of how to catch his attention. I felt a little bad because I was thinking about this Deputy rather than the dude I had just gone on a date with.

To further complicate matters, someone from my past has resurfaced and forced me to consider how I feel about him. We can call this guy Lawyer Man. I have known him for years, and we have always had a very flirtatious friendship. I talk to him all the time. Anyway, things between us are quickly growing more complicated and it’s making me reconsider whether I even want to keep doing match.com at all. I can’t decide if our clear mutual attraction is enough.

live off love

The thing is, even if I do keep dating some of the men I’ve been talking with on match.com, I’m concerned that my complicated friendship with Lawyer Man will keep me from wanting to commit to any of the other guys. I haven’t decided yet if that’s a bad thing.

Honestly, I probably shouldn’t be thinking too much about committing to anyone yet. I’m definitely getting ahead of myself if I do that, because I haven’t gone on more than two dates with anyone from match.com.

I keep telling myself I should just go with the flow and see where things take me. Maybe I should actually start doing that? And maybe if I do that the answers to my current dilemmas will resolve themselves.

Regardless, maybe my currently complicated situation isn’t so bad. It’s certainly refreshing to be dating nice men, rather than my typical type – douchey assholes who treat me poorly. And, hey, excitement and options aren’t a bad thing when it comes to dating.

snooki

What a Girl Wants

I was supposed to have a date with Pushy Man at 9 pm tonight.

Yes, that’s right! I was going to give the pushiest human alive a chance, even though when he set up the date, he again directed, rather than asked, me to meet him at a certain time at a certain place. But yes, when he set it up, I was willing to at least meet him.

Since I started doing match.com, my philosophy has been that everybody deserves a chance. So, I was going to give Pushy Man ONE chance.

This morning as I was showering, though, I began to rethink the whole thing. As I was sudsing and lathering, I realized that I didn’t find him particularly interesting. I thought he came off rude at some times, and inappropriate at others. By the time I dried off, I had resolved to text him and call off our date.

BUT HE BEAT ME TO IT!

I got out of the shower and he had texted me this:

“I have to cancel this evening.I’ve decided to go stay with a girl I’ve been seeing.sorry for the inconvenience”

hold da fuck up

SMH.

Like, for real…..what?

I actually think I might have laughed when I saw it. Did he really have to include all the details about his future boning of this other girl? Did he also really need to send a message without proper punctuation? ABSURD.

I texted Pushy Man back, “It’s okay. I was going to cancel, too.”

Pushy Man’s awkward text message was unsurprising, based on our past interactions, and not even a little bit upsetting. In fact, I’m pretty pleased that instead of going out with him, I get to sit on the couch and catch up on the Biggest Loser and The Voice.

whatever

ANYWAY, the whole interaction with Pushy Man, my mini crisis over the weekend, and a long discussion with a friend have me rethinking my approach to both match.com and dating in general:

Why should I be giving chances to guys I’m not really interested in?

In my last post, I said I wanted to treat match.com just as an extra method of meeting people – everything else, dating-wise should be the same! BUT I HAVEN’T ACTUALLY BEEN DOING THAT.

In real life, I would be way more discerning (AKA JUDGEY) than I’ve been so far on match.com.

Hey, I have very specific tastes. I like what I like, and that should be okay.

can't choose who you love

So, I have resolved to start acting on match.com as I would in real life. MY TIME IS VERY PRESH. I’m not going to be talking to any of these bozos anymore unless I’m actually interested in getting to know them/sucking their faces off in a dark theater.

I’m not gonna waste my time anymore by faking nice to every dude who winks at me or sends me a dumbass message and uses the wrong form of your/you’re. It’s all about return on investment, and I need to start investing my time more wisely.

I’ve decided that, to get what I want, I need to be a little more of a bitch. I’m also going to start following some new rules:

1. He’s gotta make the first move.

I’m not saying I’m going to sit idle on match.com, but I’m not doing more than winking at these dudes anymore for the most part. I want an assertive guy, so I’m gonna need a guy to put in some effort to date me. If a dude wants it, he needs to chase it. I don’t wanna be the pants-wearer all the time (because lord knows how much I hate wearing pants). So, TRY A LITTLE ROMANCE, INTERNET DUDES! EXERT A LITTLE EFFORT.

2. No fatties or baldies!

(That’s a Sex and the City reference, btw, not a reference to how much of a bitch I’m going to be in dating from now on).

Everybody has a type. I know what my type isn’t. I’m not going to waste my time with a dude I don’t find physically attractive. Like I said, I’m looking for a dude whose face I want to devour. And, I’ve found that if I don’t find a gentleman at least moderately attractive right off the bat, my feelings probably aren’t going to change much. So, I’m turning my superficial up just a little bit. Like I said, it’s all about ROI.

3. I’m not looking to be a sugar mama.

So, prospective suitor, you have a part-time retail job and hope to stay there for awhile? That’s great for you, but I THINK I’LL PASS.

I have always been an overachiever. Sure, I’m mega lazy sometimes (weekend-long binge of Breaking Bad? YES PLEASE!), but I think I deserve it. I have worked really fucking hard to get where I am. Shit, I’m 25 with two degrees and a job with a pension. I need a dude On. My. Level. Cypress Hill said it best: “She said, ‘I want a man with a plan and ambition.'”

So, YEAH. I’m not playin’ around with these jokerz anymore unless they 1) are in a job they’ve worked really hard to get to or 2) they are working toward some end goal. I don’t necessarily care what that end goal is. I understand that not everybody can be a BALLER ATTORNEY like me. But I want a dude that has goals and a vision for his future.

—-

SO, those are my new rules. I’m gonna try to stick to those. Why?

bitch please

But also, I think if I actually stick to that, I’ll find better quality dudes online. Like, dudes that I might actually want to date.

As far as REAL LIFE, non-interwebs dating, I’m gonna switch stuff up there, too. I am actually going to try to put myself out there more. I’m going to try to break the ice with interesting strangers. I’m gonna make an ass of myself.

As a friend recently told me, “you never know, your soul mate could be that cute guy buying your favorite beer at the grocery store.”

Well, I drink a lot of beer, so I’m gonna start talking to all those cute IPA drinkers.  What’s the worst that could happen? They’ll be weirded out and I’ll never see them again? There are worse things.

The thing is, my old approach of “LOOK ADORABLE AND BE WITTY AND SMART IN PUBLIC” isn’t working. It doesn’t even work when I wear yoga pants.

weeds

So, I’ve decided it’s worth trying something new.

Best case, I’ll meet some überhot dude who likes what I like and we’ll live happily ever after. Second best case, I’ll just meet someone who likes what I like and we’ll both have beer (OR WHATEVER).

Anyway, TL;DR. I’m just going to keep my eyes open for dudes that strike my fancy. In real life and on the world wide web.

And I’m going to try to trust the process more. I don’t need to be forcing the issue so much. I’m 25. I’ve got about a billion years of life left. If I don’t find anyone today, tomorrow, next week, or next year, WHATEVS. Not the end of the world.

go with the flow

But hey, if I stick to what I want, and try to put myself out there more, maybe I’ll actually be successful and end up with I want.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

Yeah. It’d be really nice.

happy endings

Hit the Road, Jack

Brace yourselves for @myemomoment. I just got back from a trip to Chicago, so I had a lot of time for self reflection. Apparently, all ma’ feels translate into approximately one billion gifs. SORRY NOT SORRY.

chicago

So, Chicago. She’s pretty, ain’t she?

It was great to be back in Chicago, to see my friends, and to EAT all the food I’ve missed (even though I couldn’t get to Windy City Gyros. Sad). It was also SO NICE to just take a break from dating. But now I’m feeling pretty conflicted about the whole trip because it made me feel really nostalgic, and THAT has me feeling equally conflicted about this whole online dating thing.

I don’t really know how to articulate it. I love living in Louisville. I love my job. I like my coworkers a whole lot. I can picture building a life here. BUT at the same time, starting my life over in a new city is really lonely, and sometimes it’s hard to keep that perspective on the bigger picture.

I mean, I don’t really know anyone outside of work. I don’t have girlfriends here that can grab a drink with me after work and wing woman for me while I flirt with men at bars. All I have is work and match.com. Even though I was still single and pretty lonely in Chicago, at least I had my friends.

pathetic

I’m worried that being lonely will cloud my judgment, and that I’ll end up settling for some loser. It really doesn’t really help that the dudes from match.com have been underwhelming.

this is crap

I don’t want to settle – my philosophy is that I shouldn’t eat fish sticks if what I’m really craving is sushi.

Last week I was feeling overwhelmed with the dating process and wished that the herd of men I was talking with would thin themselves out. I guess I should be careful what I wish for! Perhaps my lack of interest and sparse text responses helped the process along, but I’m only really talking to like 3 guys now. I haven’t heard from most of the J’s or Chris’s in awhile, and I’m quite fine with that.

One of the guys I haven’t heard from in several days is the Fist Bumper. TRAGEDY. I think maybe he got the hint that I wasn’t interested in a lifetime of the fist bump-kiss combo. I sure will miss that fist bumping action! (jk lol. It wasn’t even that great of a fist bump.)

I HAVE heard from Jersey though. He texted me all weekend while I was gone. I didn’t really respond, because I was busy becoming a lawyer or something, but he KEPT texting. I feel a little bad, really. Jersey is a nice enough guy. I mean, REALLY, all of these guys are nice enough. But Jersey’s constant texts really opened my eyes to how ANNOYING it can be when someone you’re not interested in and/or trying to ignore KEEPS texting you. (In fact, I think I will adjust my texting habits accordingly. That shit is the WORST.)

Anyway, I had been considering seeing Jersey again, but I reached my annoyance capacity today as I was driving through Indiana. The combination of being in the worst state ever and Jersey’s barrage of pointless chit chat was just too much. I wish Jersey could have just taken a page from Fist Bumper and realized I wasn’t into it, but he didn’t, so I texted him that I wasn’t really interested in seeing him again. He sent me some stupid message about “hanging out as friends.”

judgey little gurl

Hmm. Let me think about that…..No. No thank you. Sounds like the opposite of what I just said I wanted to do – i.e., not see you. It also sounds awkward. And like a waste time. Sorry. Good luck in life and with texting.

I’m just feeling so BLAH about this whole thing right now. Like, I feel like none of the dudes on match.com have the potential to be the one.

It shouldn’t be this hard! I’m young and fun and not a hideous mutant. I should be able to find better guys!

kanye genius

I mean, for real. It’s only been a few weeks and I’m feeling seriously disillusioned.

Dating sucks.

Maybe I’ll be singing a different tune by the end of the week. I have tentative plans to see Iowa, the adorable, younger-than-me dude, sometime this week. I’ve also talked about grabbing beer  with a new guy who we’ll call Eat Pray Love because he traveled around India for several months. They don’t seem horrible.

For now, I’ll remain open minded to meeting these internet gentlemen, but my optimism is quickly dwindling.

Anyway, I hope things get better soon, because if not I might just go adopt 90273019 cats and be alone forever. Nobody wants that.

alone at 50

So, please loser men, get out of the way. Winner men, please come find me.