Say My Name

I’m having a very serious problem.

I can’t keep straight all the dudes I’ve been talking to. It’s HARD, y’all! I mean, there are so many of them! (#humblebrag).

prettier than you

I really enjoy getting to know people, talking to them, and learning fun things about their lives. HOWEVER, I have a horrible memory. So I keep asking a bunch of questions, and I end up mixing up the life stories of these dudes in my head.

I imagine that, very soon, this whole not-being-able-to-keep-the-dudes-straight thing is going to backfire in a BIG way. Then the cat will be out of the bag that I’m dating a bunch of dudes.

The numerosity of these dudes isn’t the real problem, though. No, the biggest problem I’m having right now is that HALF OF THEM HAVE NAMES THAT START WITH J! The fuck. Seriously. I wish I could go back in time 25-30 years and tell the mothers of all these men that they need to, like, remove the “J” section from their baby name books. Joe, Jeff, Jay, Johnathan. Whatever.

There are also about ONE BILLION dudes named Chris. I mean, COME ON moms of the 80s. Get it together. Maybe pick something different. Jesus Christ.

I just really can’t keep up with this. Online dating is overwhelming, confusing, and time-consuming. I’m exhausted from trying to play the field. Online dating reminds me of the time I binge-watched Keeping Up with the Kardashians on Netflix. When I was done, I couldn’t remember where all the hours went, I was tired, and I felt sad for America.

I don’t know why it’s so tough this time around. I have DONE online dating before. I’ve even done match.com before. Like, what am I doing wrong? Why is it so much work? I’ve been on dates with 4 guys so far, and I’m talking to eat least 6 more pretty regularly, and I’ll probably meet them next week. I’ve spent hours talking to these guys and I’ve barely been able to just stay on top of the emails, text messages, and phone calls I receive.

Maybe it’s just that I’m being more open to trying stuff out this time around. I’m giving a lot of guys chances that I might not have given in the past. Last time I did match.com, I ended up dating the second guy I met for a little bit. When that ended, I think I got sad and stopped really trying to meet anyone else.

So is the key to not burning out from online dating to whittle down my suitors?

I’m actually kind of hoping the herd will thin itself. I’m putting a lot of stock in all that evolution/survival of the fittest bullshit Darwin talked about. So far, the guys have been doing a pretty good of ruling themselves out. Of course there was the Blue Moon lover and the Motown hater. But now, I think Pushy Man and Fist Bumper may be ruling themselves out of contention for the ultimate prize of my eternal devotion.

Pushy Man is one of the many dudes named Chris I’ve been talking to. I haven’t met him yet, and I haven’t really even talked to him much. I talked to him enough online to think he was nice, and I’ve been giving my phone number out like candy, so I thought I’d share it with him. Well, his texts were mostly non-noteworthy before this weekend. I hadn’t heard from him all weekend (which was cool, because I was mad busy), then I got this series of text messages from him:

—-

Pushy Man: “Hey, meet me for lunch tomorrow at village anchor.”

Bobachel: UMMMMM I guess I don’t get to have a say in this? “I work in Shepherdsville, so I can’t really meet for lunch.”

Pushy Man: “In that case Holy Grale tomorrow evening.”

Bobachel: he’s really just going to keep telling me to do things, huh?
how about no
—-
I don’t know what it was about this text messages, but they just REALLY rubbed me the wrong way. I hate being told what to do in most situations. And I REALLY HATE when people assume I have nothing going on and they can just barge into my calendar. I’m a busy girl. I do a lot things. I’d really prefer to be consulted before somebody makes plans for me.
My coworkers think I’m overreacting about this dude’s tone. Maybe I am. I mean, I DO like assertive dudes. I’m assertive, so I like some balance in that respect. I even like dudes that can outdo me in that realm. And lord knows I enjoyed reading Fifty Shades of Grey. I think some submission can be okay.
But what really bothered me about Pushy dude’s approach is that he doesn’t even know me. Maybe that approach works on a majority of girls (and maybe it would even work on me in a different context), but it just felt so presumptive. And I was offended to be put into a “submissive woman” box by him.
Anyway, so Pushy Man would have to do a lot to get into my good graces I think. Meanwhile, Fist Bumper really damaged his stock tonight.
You might know Fist Bumper as Funny Guy. I went on a second date with him tonight. It was pizza for dinner. I had been a little confused about Fist Bumper all week. After my first date, I wasn’t sure that I was attracted to him. I knew I loved his personality, because he’s hilarious, but I didn’t know if that was enough.
The actual date part of the night didn’t do much to assuage that concern. He was funny and fun to spend time with, but it felt more like I was out to dinner with my buddy. There were just a lot of jokes, and not a lot of flirting.
The end of the date was where it got really interesting, though. It was the second date, so I was kind of figuring there would be a kiss at the end of the night. As we left the pizza place and walked toward my car, I mentally prepared myself to kiss this dude who seemed more like my new funny friend.
So we get to my car. I’m ready for it. But instead of a kiss, he says “Fist bump me.”
………………………REALLY. FIST BUMP ME. HE SAID THAT TO ME.
So I fist bumped him, because I guess I didn’t know what else to do. When someone asks you to fist bump them, you do it, I guess. AND THEN after we fist bumped, he decided it was a good time to kiss me.
Ummmmm what?
britney no
It was so weird. Like, seriously. Fist bumping immediately before your first kiss with someone seems akin to high-fiving after sex. IT IS JUST AWKWARD. There is a time and place for fist bumping. Right before you kiss someone seems like neither the right time nor the right place. SMH.
So, yeah, It was an odd, bizarre end of the night. I left not really sure about what had happened. Now, as I continue to think about it, I’m pretty sure Funny Guy/Fist Bumper fist-bumped his way onto the edge of the friend zone.
I don’t really know how I keep finding these dudes who say and do inappropriate things to me. Like, what horrible things did I do in my past dating life to deserve this? I wish I could say the fist bump was the most awkward dating experience I’ve ever had, but it was far from it.
Le sigh.
I’m ready for some normalcy. I’m ready for my dating life to stop resembling a sitcom. I had hoped that by playing the field I’d increase my chances, but all that’s been happening is that I’ve been meeting a greater number of dudes who are very very wrong for me (and probably are wrong for all women).
I’m impressed by and jealous of people who actually have the capacity to play the field and meet quality people. I’m guessing they have to trade a bit of their souls/sense of morality to gain that skill, though, so maybe it’s not worth it?
Like I said, I’m ready for the herd to start thinning. Lord knows I can’t remember any more names.
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2 thoughts on “Say My Name

  1. VERY interesting. I anticipate hearing about your further experiences with Funny Fistbump Fella.

  2. Found your blog by reading a post from Gordon C. on a similar topic. Thanks for being so candid about these experiences. Your observations about the trials and tribulations of online dating are spot-on (I had a few flashbacks to my experiences when I tried it). It is especially hard when you have a demanding career that you value. Good for you for expressing your passion and opinions about what you believe to be important. Hopefully things will turn out well. Good luck!

    PS
    You are 100% correct about Blue Moon. It is more sports drink than beer. I’d rather have water.

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