Light My Fire

HHHHEEEEEYYYYY YYYY’AAAAALLLLLLLLL!!

I’m back. I’d ask if you missed me but: 1) I’m not actually talking to anyone because this is on the internet and 2) I already know the answer ;)

It was probably good that I went away for awhile because my head was getting real big about the blog. It was TOUGH living the life of VERRRRRY minor Midwestern internet celebrity among people I know. There are only so many ways to respond to “OMG Rachel I looooooove your blog and you’re sooooo hilaaaaaaarious” without coming off as a douchebag.

don't hate

I had also been taking a break from dating for awhile because work, summer, travel, blah blah blah, I won’t bore you.

Anyway, at some point this summer, I met a girl who has actually had what seemed like a good experience on tinder. More specifically, she met dudes who seemed 1) normal, 2) attractive, and 3) interested in actually DATING (I know, it is a SHOCKING, novel concept) rather than just getting it in a little bit.

really man

I was like 1) awesome I like dudes 2) tinder sounds easy and shallow so THATS GREAT and 3) maybe I will meet some blogworthy bros.

I HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS IN STORE FOR ME.

oh shit

SO I HOPPED ON IN. I would say I really got into tinder like a month ago. I wasn’t swiping so much that I got carpal tunnel or anything, but I was spending a good amount of time getting to know the lay of the land.

It was a lot like this:

phone face

And I really was impressed. Maybe I’m in a better place in life than I was last time I gave dating a go, but the gents on tinder seem to be exactly what I’m looking for. Like fun, casual, but maybe into seeing where things go. And they actually seems to get out of their homes and do things, which is more than I can say for some if my prior match.com suitors.

act casual

Anyway, I have met three guys from tinder so far and I have plans to meet a fourth tomorrow. Some dates have been better than others, but I didn’t leave any of the dates horrified or afraid that I’d be alone forever SO THERE’S THAT.

From worst to best, my three dates:

WORST: earlier this week I met up with this bearded dude for beers. I was looking forward to it I guess because through our conversations, the guy seemed legit and we have a lot in common. He was even interviewing with the PDs office here! So to give you an idea of how he date went, I will just share a snippet of a text convo I shared with my girlfraaaan as I headed home:

-girlfraaaan: what happened on your date?
-bobachel: Ehh we got beer. He’s a fine human but I don’t want to date him.
-bobachel: he was kind of hobbitty.
-bobachel: like short and hairy

/end scene

SIDENOTE: typing that out made me realize THE BITCH IS BACK.

whateva

SECOND WORST DATE: so a few weeks ago I also had a date with a younger man (!! Scandal!!). I was like “whatever whatever robbing cradles is my day job.” We set up this date. He had to cancel. We set another and I had to cancel. FINALLY we pick a third date and he ends up having to stay late at work. I was feeling a little frustrated/ OVER IT and wanted to be like “GO FUCK YOURSELF AND/OR DIE IN A FIRE,” but my othergirlfraaaan was like ” you have to meet up with him because HE COULD BE THE ONE.”

Being the big believer in fate and love that I am, I decided to give this guy a shot. So we meet up at a local brewery. I walk up and he was verrrrry cute. And tall! He was also funny. But as the evening went on, a few things struck me. First, we didn’t reallllllllly have that much in common. I think he said the longest he’d been away from Louisville was like a weekend? Say what? How do you get to your mid twenties and never even like go to summer camp. WEIRDO.

i cant

He also was a retail manager with no real plans to do much else. I mean, I know it’s unrealistic to expect anyone I date to have multiple degrees and/or a professional career, but those things definitely make it easier to relate.

The other thing that struck me was his, shall we say, accessories. As we were talking, I kept catching a glimpse of something in his mouth. First I thought it was food. Then I realized IT WAS DEFINITELY A TONGUE RING. Like, on a post-college man. A 25ish year old man had a tongue ring and I was on a date with him.

AND I WAS LIKE:

fresh prince

hands 

anigif_enhanced-27152-1409254109-1

I WAS SO CONFUSED.

As soon as our date was done (it was enjoyable, btw) and I got home, I texted girlfraaaan this: ” HALP JUST WENT ON DATE WITH MAN WITH TONGUE RING PLEASE ADVISE” and then another where I asked her to crowd source whether he was even straight, because do straight men have tongue rings?

Well. I guess it was a nonissue. Although I talked to Tongue Ring Man a few other times, and we discussed meeting up again, it never materialized. BUMMER. <\3

nope

 

…so now we get to BEST DATE: or should I say dates. I have now gone on three dates with a very cute guy who is super nice. I think we have a lot in common and I’m enjoying getting to know him a lot. He’s a Midwestern dude who likes beer and michigan football, so….Yahtzee?

emma stone

….I’m going to leave it there. We will see where it goes.

ALSO in the “shhhh let’s not talk about it too much category”: I’m meeting someone new tomorrow. He has talked me into an activity that I would never do otherwise: ZOMBIE WALK. I hope he doesn’t try to eat me. OR SHOULD I NOT HOPE THAT? I’ll keep mum about that, too. Wouldn’t wanna jinx it.

image

Anyway. I’m gonna take this tinder train to the end of the line. I’m liking it a lot so far. 

Even without tinder, I’m feeling the love in the air. I think this could be the year of bobachelmates, y’all. Hold on to your seats and stay tuned.

fuck yeah

SMOOCHES.

 

 

All By Myself

So, I’m usually really smart. Not like Einstein smart, but like smart enough that I should be able to objectively look at facts and act reasonably on them.

i'm brilliant

Unfortunately, I’m also really dumb. At least when it comes to matters of the heart, dating, and men.

I have been involved in a very casual thing with this dude for a few months. I haven’t been trying to date him, but I guess I viewed him as a security blanket until I was in a real relationship. “Real relationship” being one I can tell my mom about, one where the dude comes over before midnight, wants to spend time doing THINGS in the world, and maybe shares some of my interests. That is not this dude.  Like, NOT AT ALL. But I knew going in that that was not this dude.

I am dumb because I actually believed that I could carry around this seurity blanket while simultaneously being open to something that would be good for me, something that I really want.

anigif_enhanced-28493-1396185551-5

It can’t happen.

I know it can’t happen because I’ve BEEN THROUGH THIS BEFORE. I’ve made this mistake before. As Einstein said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

So, not only am I dumb, but I’m also insane. As many times as I try, I cannot fit a square peg into a round hole.

It’s like there is a disconnect between the information that goes into my brain and the  way my brain decides to act.

I told myself awhile ago I needed to just cut this guy off. In the end I was too afraid to actually do that, though. Because I guess I’m like everybody else and I hate being alone – as non-feminist as that is – even if that means just having a warm body next to me for a few hours.

bang bang

Fear is a bitch, but I need to stop being a coward. Being alone – like truly alone, with no back-up plan or security blanket – is not the worst thing in the world. But a lifetime of meaningless flings might be.

This isn’t about gettin’ back out there and trying to date some more. This isn’t even about not liking this dude. He’s fine.

No, this is just about actually doing what I keep telling myself I want. This is about innoculating myself to toxic tendencies and learning to be a grown-up. And not having any more bad days.

MIB

Now, I don’t want to go on being whiny about not being able to find someone, or confused about why I am still alone. I don’t want to be Ted Mosby. I just need someone to hold me accountable.

Don’t let me be THAT girl who needs a man to feel less alone in this big, bad world. I hate that girl.

XO

All right. Let’s do this shit again.

Yesterday I took the bar exam and afterwards I made a list of all the fun things I can do again now that the #BarIsOver. SEE YA NEVER BAR EXAM, HELLO FUN.

seinfeld dance

Some of the fun things I’m looking forward to doing include:

- Catching up on my shows, like The Wire and House of Cards
– Finishing Allegiant, and all those other books that have been cluttering up my bookshelf for years
– Excercising my fat ass
– Learning French on Duolingo!

Basically, I’m ready to get back to doing all kinds of fun stuff that I didn’t have time for when the devil/bar exam was dancing on my back.

I’ve just realized, though, that I forgot another VERY IMPORTANT addition to that list that I’ve been thinking of getting back to for awhile: dating.

I took my little dating hiatus right after Christmas, and there were times that I thought I wanted to try some more, but I just didn’t have time! Well. Now I have time. So, line up fellas!

i'm all yours

But no, for real, I’m thinking I’m gonna start looking around on match.com again, but I think I’ll also diversify my “search.” I downloaded Tinder just a little bit ago, and I think I’ll get back on OKCupid, too.

I’m ready to GO, but I’m also a little apprehensive, I guess.

I’ve done OKC before and met some decent guys, but I also came across some REALLLLLLLLY scary people.

FOR EXAMPLE, there was this guy who used the screenname “BLACKMILK” and in thinly veiled innuendo, he let me know that he wanted to have weird, gross sex with me. He also talked in all caps. He was frightening not only because of his especially weird requests, but because I didn’t know why he was yelling at me.

Liiiiiike…..y u gotta yell?

Then there was the guy I came across in my random matches who was wearing women’s underwear and was tied up, bondage style, with a ball-gag in his mouth, in his main picture. That was….interesting.

this is my hell

I dunno, maybe I shouldn’t be so worried. I have gotten some really good stories out of online dating, and it’s been a fun ride. But I’m actually interested in meeting normal people that I could date for some time. Don’t those exist?

I’m a little excited about checking out Tinder. I know it’s probably shadier than OKC, but I’ve also got a few friends who have had some luck. I think the dudes might be less fugly, too. Seems like it could be fun and a good time waster, in the very least.

But before I dive back in, I think maybe my expectations for online dating need to change. In my mind, I want it to be like online shopping: you go onto whatever website with a vague idea of what you’re looking for, or at least knowing your preferences; you browse for awhile; you find a few things you like; you proceed to check out; you get the things you found in delivered to you, and you end up returning most of them because they don’t fit, but some of them are great.

IT SHOULD BE THAT EASY.

sorcery

But I know it’s not. Unfortunately, I’m an idealist and it’s hard for me to grasp onto reality a lot of the time. But I am REALLY going to try to lower my expectations this time around, so maybe I’ll be able to keep it light and fun/keep myself from not getting so frustrated.

IDK.

This DOUCHE I know (you know who you are, I’m sure you’re reading. Don’t get too flattered that I’m talking about you) keeps giving me shit for “trying too hard” at dating. He also thinks I’m certifiably crazy IN GENERAL. But he says shit to me all the time that it doesn’t sound like I’m having fun with this online dating.

excuse me rudeness

But I think I should clear the air about this: I AM HAVING FUN.

For real, Mr. Douche Face, GFY. And KMA. You’d like it, I’m sure. But seriously, can’t I live?

I don’t think I would keep subjecting myself to this buuuuuulllshit if I didn’t like it. I have fun going on dates. I really do like all the primping and preparation that goes into a date., and the conversation and getting-to-know-someone on a date is really enjoyable AND TO BE CLEAR, I wouldn’t agree to go on a date at all if I didn’t like the dude at least a little.

No, dating is fun. And I have fun on the dates I go on.

Maybe I overanalyze the dates on this blog. But it’s a blog. Isn’t that what blogs are for?

And, um, hellllllo! Have you met me? First, I’m a woman, and I think we, as a sex, are prone to overanalyze (YES that is a very unfeminist generalization I just made. Deal with it). Second, I personaly overanalyze EV.ER.Y.THING. Seriously, everything. It’s in my nature. I’m just anal and obsessive and TWITCHY. And I think TOO MUCH.

That may make me crazy. But hey, that’s me. And I’m aware of it. There’s somebody out there who will be able to appreciate the hot mess that I am. Mr. Douche Fuck, I don’t need your blessing to get through this life and find happiness the way I want.

Anyway, I am excited to try out Tinder, and to dip my toes back into the online dating waters. Maybe I’ll meet some interesting people. Worst case, I AM SURE I will end up with more interesting stories. And in the end, isn’t that all that really matters?

star trek no idea

Flavor of the Week

I made a decision this week that I thought was pretty mature and rational. At least for me, since I tend to be wholly irrational and impulsive.

There was this dude that I had been seeing every once in awhile. We were not dating, although at one time I definitely thought I might want to. But turns out we have literally nothing in common. Like, he had never seen any episodes of any Law& Order. How is that possible??

image

So we were just having sleepovers. It was fun, blah blah blah, whatever.

20140209-225145.jpg

But then the fun wasn’t enough.

I know there are a lot of people out there who would be content to live their single lives knowing they had the security of a booty call. It’s kind of an epidemic among our generation. I may have been one of those people three years ago.

But the last time I was in that situation, it ended poorly for me.

I’m not good with casual shit like that. I care too much and I’m too much of a romantic.

So, I was proud of myself this week because I cut my booty call loose.

image

In reality, the dude is a nice enough guy, but it was easier than I expected to cut it off because I realized I didn’t want to date him whatsofuckingever (and I think the feeling was mutual).

Four months ago, I signed up for match because I wanted to meet someone worthwhile. I wanted to get away from casual dating and flings. This week, I realized that the road I was going down with this dude was taking me on a long detour away from what I actually wanted. It was shaping up to be a major waste of time.

I’m not looking for a flavor of the week. I’m too old for that shit.

image

Like I said, I’ve been down that road before. The moments of fun in casual situations like that never make up for the other moments of loneliness and the feelings of regret I get for compromising.

And I guess if I actually want to be open to meeting someone worthwhile, I should stop compromising while I’m waiting.

I’m still not really actively looking to date at this particular moment. There’s so much shit on my plate right now. But at least if something or someone DOES come along, I won’t have any obstacles in my way.

image

I just wish I would have had the sense to be this rational when I was living in Chicago. Maybe if I would have said “see ya never” earlier to the Douchey McJerkerson who would booty call me when I was living there, I would have been able to focus on what I really wanted – dating non-douchey, nice guys. And I could have spared myself a lot of heartache.

Le sigh.

You live and you learn, I guess. I’m just glad I am actually maybe learning this time.

image

Bad Romance

I think I’ve turned a corner, y’all. I’ve had a major revelation.

rihanna oh yeah

Four months ago, I packed up all my shit and moved far, far away from my family, friends, and all my favorite food. I had these grand ideas that I’d be starting some great adventure, that I’d fall in love immediately, and be sublimely happy in my new home.

Now, some of that came true. I think my life is an adventure right now. I am happy here (except for those 60ish minutes each day during my commute when I am sure I’m going to commit murder).

I made a HUGE mistake when I moved, though, because I put such GREAT importance on finding a relationship. And I had such high expectations about how easy it would be to find a “happily ever after” that I think I may have set myself up for certain failure.

my emo moment

I had to go to a work training today where we talked about personality temperaments and I was an “idealist.” Unsurprisingly, that means I am trusting, value relationships, and romanticize everything.

That whole discussion got me wondering: am I destined to fall into this same habit of idealizing dating and potential partners? Is that just in my wiring?

People have asked me, after reading this blog, how the whole dating thing is going. I usually say something dumb like, “Oh, it’s going, I guess.”

But what I’m really thinking, unequivocally, is:

drunk lea thompson

“IT’S PRETTY FUCKIN BAD.”

I think some of that may be my own fault for trying too goddamned hard. I want whatever perfect fantasy I’ve concocted in my head to magically materialize.

But nothing worthwhile takes this much energy. People have been telling me not to look for a dude at all for years. They’ll say shit like, “You’ll find love when you least expect it.” blah blah blah.

regina george

But, cliche or not, I think they are right.

The idealist in me has think that, somewhere along the way, someone will come along who is as great as I think he is. And he won’t be a douchebag, and we WILL live happily ever after.

But I’ve decided to stop looking for that someone for now. The man of my dreams is not under that unturned rock. He is not hiding under my bed (I’ve looked). And he doesn’t seem to be online. At least not right now.

And you know what? That’s fine.

I don't care 1

i don't care 2

i don't care 3

A really important part of dating is self-awareness, and I think for me that means realizing that dating might not be my thing right now.

I mean, for real. It was really silly of me to think that I could will the perfect man to appear in front of me when I want him to. It was also silly to think I needed that. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

i'm a free bitch

So I’ve made a very conscious decision to focus on easier, more fulfilling relationships. Like girlfriends who I can talk to about all that boy bullshit, or eyeshadow. Or drinking buddies. Or that friend who is up for a good time and a night full of bad decisions.

I trust in the process. I don’t think I’ll die alone. But for now, being single isn’t so bad. I might pay for my own drinks more often, but there are greater crosses to bear.

OITNB celebration

And hey, you don’t need romance to feel the love.

Float On

All right, y’all. I’m back.

big gulp palin

I think my hiatus from this blog may have been taken prematurely.

Before I started blogging about dating, I was a goddamned mess of a person when it came to men. I was like a fish flapping around out of water, or a chicken running around with its head cut off. Basically, I was every awkward animal that has ever existed. Ever. (I’m probably still reaalllllllllly awkward, but at least I feel better about it. That’s all that matters, right?)

britney face

I’m a visual person, and I think I need to write this shit down to make any sense of it. I need to sort out all the feels. And HEY, blogging is cheaper than therapy!

TBH, I also missed all the gifs.

Anyway, even though online dating still sucks, I’m still into dating or whatever. I mean, who would ever get sick of getting dressed up and going out and doing fun stuff with someone you’re into?

Lord knows I enjoy putting on something slutty and struttin’ around for no reason.

george bush tail feather

For the new year, I’m changing my outlook, though.

I had my sister get me a match.com membership because I thought I wanted to settle down and get boo’d up immediately, and I thought I could pretty much guarantee that if I looked online. The whole plan fit very well within my very Type-A, control-freak, overly-organized life.

However, that plan also produced a lot of bullshit that made me extremely frustrated.

Now I’m realizing that life is so much better when you just fucking relax and go with the flow a little bit. The same applies to dating.

I think women really fuck themselves over a lot because we have a tendency to rehash every single fucking detail from a relationship, and then overanalyze it all. If you think about something too much, you start to care about it more than you probably should. And then it starts to matter more than it should. I don’t know how much anxiety that kind of nonsense has caused me over the past 26 years, but probably at least 18 voms worth.

For real though, ladies, we need to stop THINKING and just start LIVING.

totes mcgotes

SO, my new year’s resolution has been to do just that – to stop trying to figure stuff out prematurely, and just go with it more – and so far it’s been more fun. It’s definitely less stressful.

Even though I’m changing my brain around, I’m not lowering my expectations. During a bad breakup once, a good friend told me I deserve someone who “thinks the sun shines out of my ass.” She’s right. I do deserve that shit.

sassy obama

Imma still keep my eyes open for that. I’m just not gonna break a sweat doing it anymore.

Anyway, I’m actually in a new situation that I haven’t quite figured out, which is fine for now. I like this guy, and he’s a lot of fun to spend time with, but that’s as far as I’ve gotten. I’m still trying to feel out what he thinks about it, too.

I think that’s all I’ll say about that. I haven’t figured out how to articulate the rest, and I think I’d rather focus on enjoying the ride instead anyway.

sam waterston cheers

Wherever that ride fuckin goes.

End of the Road

I think we need to take a break.

It’s not you, it’s me.

I’m like reallllllly busy with work. I’m not looking for anything serious. I need to just focus on me right now, and you deserve better. Let’s just be friends.

…But for real. I’m taking a hiatus from this whole blogging thing. For a couple reasons.

I’m so over online dating. My sister bought me like 6 months worth, but in that time, I’ve met approximately zero worthwhile men. If the men I’ve been on dates with are the cream of the crop, it was a pretty sad harvest.

At this point, I’d rather go buy myself nice dinners and drink beer alone. At least I know I’d actually enjoy the company.

But for real, who could do six months of that? It’s so frustrating. I’d rather die a slow death by a million papercuts. Or be urinated on by one of the homeless men on the Chicago Red Line.

So I’m taking a little breakski from match.com. The whole experience of dealing with duds makes me real mad, and I hate being mad. I’d rather think about happy things like cute baby animals or delicious beer.

Since I started this blog to talk about all the weirdos who try to find love on the internet, I won’t have anything to write about. And I get real uncomfortable talking about people that other people reading this blog know in real life. Lord knows I don’t like my own biznazzzz out in the open. They probably feel the same way.

SO merry christmas, find a new blog to read.

This is bobachel, signing off.

At least for now.